In Which the Jesuses Approve my Application to Heaven, but Mostly Argue About Food

Boss Jesus: All right, application number 436,000. Woe Jozney. Let’s start at the top.
Drunk Jesus: But I’m bored. We’ve been doing this for 4 months and we’re all out of beer.
Boss Jesus: Look guys, I know this is tough, but we really need to get through this. You know what Consultant Jesuses said.
Drunk: Blah, Blah, Blah. Streamlining technology, new models, new paradigms… I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. I JUST WANT A BEER.
Gay Jesus: Yeah this sucks. I just want a mojito.
Boss Jesus: I tell you what, if we get to 450,000 before lunch, I’ll take everyone out for a drink at lunchtime.
Drunk Jesus: Drinks! Drinks! Yeah!
Boss Jesus: I said a drink. Drink is singular. We have a mission here.
Drunk Jesus: Drinks! Drinks! Drinks!
Boss Jesus: Okay two drinks. But that’s it. I swear to god you people drive me…
Black Jesus: What do you mean you people?
Boss Jesus: Jesus fucking Christ! I mean Jesuses, all of you. You, you, you, got it?
Black Jesus: Can I get an appetizer at lunch too?
Boss Jesus: Sure why not.
Drunk Jesus: Can I get two drinks and an appetizer at lunch?
Boss Jesus: Whatever. I don’t care. If you shut up and get to work, it doesn’t matter.
Drunk Jesus: Well I mean if I can get one appetizer and two drinks, why can’t I just substitute the appetizer for another drink and get three drinks? It seems pretty fair to me.
Boss Jesus: Two drinks only. End of discussion. Moving on.
Gay Jesus: Wait! Wait! Wait! Where are we even going?
Boss Jesus: I don’t know. There are plenty of places down the street. Does it really matter?
Gay Jesus: Of course it matters. What do you think I am? Un-cultured Jesus?
Uncultured Jesus: Hey! Leave me out of this.
Gay Jesus: Sorry. I was trying to make a point. I just don’t want to end up at Long John Silver’s.
Uncultured Jesus: I like Long John Silver’s.
All Jesuses: We know.
Gay Jesus: Some of us have- how do you say, more refined tastes.
Black Jesus: Yeah! I eat goat cheese. I like wine.
Gay Jesus: See? It does matter.
Drunk Jesus: Does Long John Silver’s have drinks?
Uncultured Jesus: No, I wish.
Drunk Jesus: Well then I don’t want to go there.
Boss Jesus: That’s it! We’re going to Kroger. I don’t give a fuck. You can get a sandwich, sushi, I don’t give a shit. If you want beer I’ll buy a case of Coors. That’s it. Got it?
Drunk Jesus: Awesome! Let’s go!
Black Jesus: Yeah, I’m hungry.
Boss Jesus: The deal was we go if you all finish the applications before lunch.
Drunk Jesus: But I need beer now!
Black Jesus: I need goat cheese now!
Earthy Female Jesus: I need quinoa now! With some organic sprouts on top. Perhaps a peach jelly to bring out the earthly taste of the quinoa.
Gay Jesus: You make me sick.
Earthy Female Jesus: Does the Kroger have a natural foods section? I’m afraid I cannot go to a regular grocery store. Matter of fact, none of you should. Do you know how many toxins are in the cleaning products that they use?
Drunk Jesus: Oh my god. Nobody gives a fuck. I heard there’s a Margaret Atwood reading somewhere across the street.
Earthy Female Jesus: Really????
Drunk Jesus: Yes, now go.
[Earthy Female Jesus runs out the door. Her dashiki flows in the wind like a gentle spring breeze]
Drunk Jesus: Thank God. All right guys, I’ll start the minivan. Let’s go!
Boss Jesus: Does any one remember what we were doing? Applications? End-times?
Distracted Jesus: Huh?
Boss Jesus: Fuck. Forget it. Let’s go. You guys are fucking retarded. Did you know that?
Black Jesus: Yeah. Sure. Let’s go get some food.
Boss Jesus: Let’s just finish this one application. What’s his name?
Clerk Jesus: Woe Jozney.
Boss Jesus: Great. Stamp approved on it and let’s go.
Clerk Jesus: But he’s not even….
Boss Jesus: You all don’t give a fuck. So I won’t give a fuck. I’m sick and tired of this shit. He’s approved, let’s go.
Clerk Jesus: Oki-Doki.
[Clerk Jesus approved my application, sends confirmation email to my email account]
[Jesuses all leave to get goat cheese and beer]

Application to Heaven, Round I

As we learned last week, Christ has announced some management changes in Heaven and has instituted a raffle and application system for acceptance into the pearly gates. I didn’t get a raffle ticket, so here’s my application I sent in today. I hope they like it.

 

 

Name: Woe Jozney
Age: 22
Education: BS in Alchemy from Yale College of Wizardry, 2010
GPA: 3.8

Previous Employment:

1) Milk Man 2006-2008
Delivered milk to all the families in the jolly country of England. One time I saved a kitten from being run over by a bus. I also saved a bus from being hijacked by terrorists. All of this while delivering milk. You might say I have skills.

2) Escort 2004-2006
Delivered the goods to round about 50 wealthy costumers. Dude’s gotta pay the bills. I was all business, no sin, I swear Jesus. I’m just good, right?

3) Freelance Musician 2000-2010
Radiohead, Skynyrd, Zeppelin, you name. I play it bro. Bass, Guitar, Uke. You name it bro.

 

Skills:
Software: Adobe Creative Suite, Microsoft Office Suite, Tomb Raider 1-3, Minesweeper, Calculator, Basecamp, MS Visual Studio 2008, MS SQL Server, Mac and Windows command line utilities, video/audio editing, Python, C#, CSS, HTML, WordPress, Joomla, Drupal.

Good Deeds:
1- March 24, 2008. I jumped this dude’s car when he was stranded at the Burger King.
2- November 7, 2005. Found my friend Steve’s pot because he said if I could find it he would give me Brian’s ticket to go see Joe Satriani and I was not going to miss out on the Satch. But I did want to help him find his pot, not just because I could smoke it with him, but because I’m a good dude.
3- December 13, 2009. I stood up for this gay dude and was all like, “look who’s a faggot now Mr. Breeder!” But then the gay guy thought I was gay because I was being nice and it got complicated and we might of kissed. I’m not gonna say, but I don’t know if you’re actually down with gays, we’re not sure how you feel. I think I’m a nice guy regardless.

Please list your sins:
-Masturbation, lying to friends and family, adultery, violence, jealousy, cruelty, whatever…

Will you repent your sins?
-Sure. Whatever.

If you could be any animal, what animal would you be? Why?
-I would be a wolf, so that other animals would fear me, but not in a scary way. They would fear me because I am noble and I could eat them, but I won’t. I’ll just howl and look cool and let nature photographers take pictures of me and post them on the internet.

What are your top three activities you would do with Jesus if you were hanging out with him?
-Play music (if he plays, I’m assuming he does because he seems pretty cool), workout (so we can be buff and hit on the angel chicks), and cloud surfing (I really hope cloud surfing exists, I mean if God is good, it should exist).

What are three reasons we should let you into Heaven instead of someone else?
-I’m smarter than most people.
-I could run a pretty cool Heaven blog.
-I’ll make Jesus laugh

Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?
-Sure.

The Secret to Blogging

You’ve waited long enough. You’ve googled “how to get followers” and read all the books by the so called trust agents, but somehow you still haven’t discovered the secret. Here it is. The secret to blogging is writing about the secret to blogging. You are probably writing about your trade- crafting, cooking, your photography. You’re doing just fine with that but you still don’t have 30,000 RSS subscribers. What’s wrong? It’s not that you’re a bad writer or photographer or whatever. It’s just that you aren’t writing about the secret to blogging.

If you’re on this page searching for the secret, most of your audience is probably looking for the secret on your page too. It’s not that they dislike your photography, they just want to know the secret to blogging. If you let them know, they’ll deem you indispensable and subscribe to your page in case you post the secret to eternal life or awesome abs next week. Your subscribers might delete the emails containing your photography, but cultivating a following isn’t about the connections made or information transferred, it’s about numbers.

So there you have it, the secret. Now that we’re all on the same page, you can take your blog to the next level with the secret. Just make sure that you thank me (link me). Enjoy your 200,000 subscribers and send them my way. The secret is yours. Use it well.

Bucket List #76: Sacrifice a Goat

When I started this blog five years ago, I was seeking a better life. I quit my job at the hot dog factory and said, “you know what? I’m gonna find out what a blog is.” So I found out what a blog is and started one. One of the things that brings me peace in this world is the ability to cross out items on my bucket list. I hope that when I share these experiences it inspires you to make your own bucket list. Remember when I climbed that tree I’d always been afraid of? Remember when I ate raw steak and didn’t give a shit if I got sick? I did get sick, but that’s not the point. Life is about bucket lists. Or maybe death is, but it doesn’t matter.

Today I’m proud to announce that I’ve conquered item #76 on my bucket list,

Sacrifice a goat to the gods of chaos.

Consider yourself crossed out number 76.

Yesterday Randy and I met outside the old hot dog factory. Randy used to work the line with me. Randy bought a goat at the local goat market. And before you ask, yes the goat was free range. The goat’s owners assured me he only consumed free range trash. His name was Francis. I don’t know if you remember when I crossed out #56: To get a badass broadsword, but I decided that Francis would transfer to the next realm at the tip of my magnificent blade. Randy and I both prepared something to say to Francis before we sent him to the spirit realm.

Mr. Goat,

I did not know you well,
but you are a goat, so that makes sense.
You seem kind and noble,
I don’t usually think goats are noble,
but you my friend, could be noble.
Forgive me for what I must do,
but I am seeking a better way,
one bucket list item at a time.
Is that cool?
Goodbye Francis,
I wish I knew you better.
Even if you’re a goat,
I really wish I did.

Randy isn’t too big on having his stuff published on the internet so he wouldn’t let me type his eulogy up. We read the remarks and I took the saber in my hands. “Goodbye Francis! May the spirit realm accept you with warm hands!” I bore the sword down into the back of his skull and the blood flowed like the Nile upon the pavement. I expected him to die instantly but it was a painfully slow process. His bleats tore at my ears and heart, but my grip never loosened. Eventually his body fell to the earth and was silent. I was crying. Tears of joy. I felt so open, I couldn’t wait to blog about it. I did this, dreams come true. I used to think that the world defined who I was, but as I ran my fingers through the goat’s severed spine and felt his warm blood slipping between my fingers, I understood that I am who I am. I am a blogger! Through the act of blogging we can be who ever we want to be. We can order broadswords, buy goats, and kill those goats. It’s Web 2.0, anything is possible. Now if you’d like a limited edition t-shirt with a picture of me slaying this goat please mail $20 and a brief note explaining what you’ll be doing to change your life this year. Not only will you get an awesome t-shirt with me killing a goat on it, you may even get your bucket list story published on this blog.

In the blogging age, we have to grab life by the balls (or horns) and sever its arteries one slice of the broadsword at a time. Who’s with me?

Peace be with you,

@woejozney

US History as Told by Twitter

@USAhistory: #1001 @LiefErick02 checked in at new world. check bit.ly3782y374

@USAhistory: @ChristophSails checked in at new world bit.lyje83j #1492

@USAhistory: RT @CristophSails Found India! Dark skinned girls #yayuh #1492

@USAhistory: RT @JohnnySmith pocahontas? more like poke-a-hotass #jamestown4life!!! lol

@USAhistory: Congrats @FrancisDrake on earning your circumnavigation badge of @foursquare bit.lyjgu7436ruh

@USAhistory: #1763 THIS WAR IS OVER!!!! #frenchandindian #hellyeah

@USAhistory: Retweet if you think this stamp act is fucking bullshit, looking at you @KGeorgeIII

@USAhistory: RT @boston We’re getting massacred! #1770blows #britishpplarefags

@USAhistory: RT @boston Party at the tea dock tonight. BYOB. RT to win free indian costume #boston

@USAhistory: @GeorgeWash has unlocked the commander in chief badge on colony_square #1775

@USAhistory: We Love it! RT @T-Jeffy What yall think of my new declaration? #newnation #revolution #1776

@USAhistory: That’s right BIOTCH! RT @britishempire We give up, we surrender. There I said it. #1781

@USAhistory Congrats @GeorgeWash on unlocking the first president badge on colony_square. we are sending for quilt patches via horseback. #1789

Spiritual Practice of the Week

This week’s spiritual practice is lying. Some people think lying is bad. Some people lie all the time. Those people are called pathological liars. You might already know one. :/

Sometimes telling untruths can be bad. “Woe, did you murder those orphans back in 1998? The terrible bus fire? It broke my heart.” If I did murder the orphans ( I’m not saying I did) denying that I murdered the orphans would be a lie. It would be a bad lie. Just remember if you kill someone or rob a liquor store or do both at the same time, you can be held accountable for your actions and lying in court can get you in trouble. Try to avoid all that jazz.

I want you to lie to someone today. This person can be a friend, a lover, or just someone on an elevator. People only need to know what you want them to know. When you curate the information that constitutes your social identity, it’s easy to manipulate and control that information in hopes of getting what you want- and that’s what it’s all about, right?

You might want to start feeling bad- that’s dumb. I’m not going to make you murder anyone. We’re only taking baby steps. If you feel reluctant because you think you’re a good person or whatever, we can start with very insignificant lies.

For example,

A: Oh my goodness. I love your shoes. Where did you get them?
You: I got them at Target. Thank you.
(You got them at Payless)

Harmless. Changing information for the sake of changing information. Nobody gets hurt. It doesn’t seem to serve a purpose now, but it might later. Let’s try another one.

A: Hello friend. What did you do this weekend?
You: I had a fun time cleaning my house and painting birdhouses.

(You took ecstasy and danced with a bunch of hot 18 year old girls, but you missed out on hooking up with them in the bathroom because your friend picked a fight with the bartender)
A: That sounds like fun.
You: It was

(It was)

It’s still harmless. Information is just another one of your possessions. It’s free to be used and abused as you see fit. If you start digging yourself into a hole, please don’t email me and complain about how you ruined your life. It’s your deal. Personal fucking responsibility.

Now get out there and lie.

Next week we’ll talk about masturbation, drinking, or push ups.

Excerpts from “A Hard Man is Good to Find”

I reached down between his hairy legs and examined the situation. “Goddamit,” I said, “He’s not hard. This is bad.” A hard man is hard to find.

……….

 

I reached down between his skinny legs and got the scoop. “Holy shit,” I said. “He’s hard all right! A hard man is good to find!”

Fin.