Avoiding Distractions #2

Sorry about the delay, I’ve been taking my own advice and reading tons of shit about avoiding distractions. I’m talking tons. It always starts with one article, but that’s when you reach for the Archive button and start thinking, “if I gained this many truth bombs from this one article on avoiding distractions, imagine how many truth bombs I could learn if I went through the whole archive.” Right? And they link to so many different things in every post! I’ll bet those links have valuable information on avoiding distraction and optimizing workflow. I’ll bet those other blogs have archives too! There’s just so much information on this stuff out there. It’s so amazing. I love web 2.0!

I’ve spent at least 27 hours in the past two days reading about this shit, you can now consider me an expert on the subject. Maybe I haven’t slept or consumed enough water, but fuck it, let’s get optimized.

Let’s talk efficiency!
Email! email! emailemail



How many times a day do you check your email? One time a day? WRONG ANSWER BRO!
Five times a day? Fucking wrong again asshole.
Three and half times a day?

Congratulations, that’s the magic number. Studies show that people who check their email three and a half times a day are 3.1 times as likely to have three times as much sex, way longer penises, and predicted to make twice money as much as someone who checks their email once a day. How does it work? Don’t ask me. It’s science, and science doesn’t lie.

What’s a half check email? A half check is actually nine page refreshes when your email is already open. Since your email is open and you’re probably just refreshing because you’re bored, you’re obviously not paying attention, which means it doesn’t count. So remember to check your email three times a day and to refresh the page or application eight to nine times, but don’t pay attention when you refresh, it will fuck up your ratio and your penis won’t grow or you won’t end up making twice as much money as Steve from accounting. And you want to make more money than Steve, because he’s the only other handsome 20 something in your office and your worth as a person basically boils down to a comparison of email ratios, penis length, and Xbox skills. You don’t know how many times Steve checks his email so you need to be on your game. This isn’t a joke, the corporate workplace is a fucking jungle. One wrong email ratio a day doesn’t seem like a lot, but multiply that shit out.

Ratio X Emails X Weeks X Months X Years
Losing your hair, wearing pleated pants, having a fat wife while Steve is fucking young girls for the rest of his life. Did I mention he drives a brand-spanking-new Mini-Cooper?

Fill your pipeline with that.

Stick around for my social media lunch-i-nar tomorrow.
I’ll talk about Twitter.
Should you be on it? Is it okay to post porn? Am I too old for Twitter? Can my dog have a Twitter?

You don’t want to miss it.


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