Heaven Day One, Part II

4:00pm: The hamburger dinner was fantastic. Swiss cheese, mushrooms, bacon. Total mouthgasm. I downed about four mojitos in ten minutes so I was feeling social. I got to know a few of my fellow Christians. Deb and Craig are a couple from Oklahoma City. They’re lifelong believers, they’re getting married in November, and they’re waiting until marriage to pork each other. I guess that’s what a good Christian does, right? They want to have kids as soon as possible. I raised issue about aging in Heaven. If we age for eternity we’ll turn into crusty sacks of flesh as time goes by. But if there is no aging, their children will be toddlers forever, and that can’t be fun. I told them they should not procreate and they assured me that they are praying to Jesus Christ to let their child age in Heaven. Pray? Who prays? Oh- that’s right. I’m a Christian now and what Christians do is pray. What Christians don’t do includes anal sex, smoking pot, smoking DMT, and being untruthful. Where the hell H-E-double-hockey-sticks is Jesus? I’ve got some questions. Apparently we’re all supposed to go watch a 3-D screening of The Passion of the Christ, but I’m kinda drunk so I’m just gonna go back to the hotel room and take a power nap before the next seminar at 7:00pm.

5:30pm: I had the weirdest dream. It might just be the mojitos, but I could swear to God the dream was real. I was in my hotel room like I am right now, but it felt like it was the middle of the night. I woke up to the sounds of local news. I looked over at the other bed, there he was- Jesus Christ. But he wasn’t a he. He was a she, but she still had a beard. She said, “Do not approach me. Go to the fridge and pour me a whiskey on ice.” I told her I didn’t have any whiskey but she said, “I believe that you do.” I opened my fridge. There was a half full bottle of Jameson. I don’t remember buying any Jameson. I didn’t even know they sold liquor in Heaven. “Be a sweetheart and pour me a drink now.” I poured her drink and sat down beside her on the bed. I opened my lips to speak but she silenced them with her finger. She took the drink from my hands and dipped her finger in it. “Suck on it.” I did. It was dark but I could make out her silhouette. She seemed to be quite the woman. Almost like the meaty French girl in Irreversible. I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but yeah huge tits and a nice ass, you know the drill.

Still sucking on her finger, I scraped my nails up and down her thighs, made my way up her side. I wanted to touch her breasts but I wasn’t feeling particularly bold. Who was she? My fingers stepped off of the edge of her dress onto the her shoulders. Gently, in one of those incredibly light but intense ways your gay theater teacher might touch you when he’s trying to make a point about motivation, I found my way up her neck. I felt her beard and stopped. She pulled her finger out of my mouth. “I am a Jesus. I am one of many Jesuses. I do have a beard, but it’s just part of my job. I assure you I am a woman. Here, feel my breasts.” She took my hand in hers and shoved them down the top of her dress. “Do you feel those? Those are real breasts. I assure you.” I felt them. She was right. I don’t think I’d ever touched breasts that nice. I’m usually an ass man, but shit. Multiple Jesuses?

“Make me another drink young man.” I went back to the fridge and made her another drink. “Do you want to see me better young man?” I did but she told me to wait. I took a sip from her drink and heard each tooth on her zipper open itself up. I heard her legs wiggling their way out of her tight dress. At last, I heard her dress crumple on the floor, followed by silence, confirming the nude condition of the female and bearded Christ in my hotel room.

“Now,” she said, “I want you to walk over to my side, hand me my drink, and walk back over to that side of the room. I want you to turn the bathroom light on and leave the door open, but just barely cracked. Okay?” I said okay and followed her orders. “Now come over here young man.” I, of course, followed her orders. She took my hands in hers and gave me a very thorough anatomical tour confirming that despite her beard she was in fact a woman, and quite a woman at that. She positioned herself in front of me and unbuttoned my pants. Using her holy tongue, she extracted my earthly vessel. Her beard felt so strange against my sensitive skin as she made her way towards me, accepting everything without hesitation. As her warm mouth consumed all of me, I forgot about the beard and plunged myself deep into my Lord and Savior. I used the Lord’s name in vain several times, but I don’t think she minded.

When I was finished she slipped me back into my boxers and buttoned my pants up. She kissed the button on my pants. My eyes had adjusted to the dark, I could see her face. She smiled. “Did you enjoy that? Mr. Earthling?” I told her I did, she laughed. For a moment I thought the beard was cute. This was just a dream, so it’s okay. It’s not that weird. Weirder things happen in dreams and this must be a dream, right? She squeezed her magnificent ass back into her dress. I tried to imagine her as an ordinary woman. She could have been Deb from the hamburger dinner. I might have fucked Deb, but I knew it wasn’t Deb. She really was Jesus, but a girl, but with a beard.

When her breasts were most likely secured in place she summoned me to zip her up. I did, she thanked me, handed me her empty glass, and kissed me on the cheek. Yet again, I felt her Christ beard bristling against my cheek. I watched her ass move from side to side as she let herself out. Exhausted, I crawled back into bed and fell asleep. Or woke up. Or, I don’t know.

7:00pm: Woke up rather disorientated and made my way back to the conference rooms. Maybe it was the mojitos, or that weird dream, but I was more than kind of freaked out. I mean, I always imagined Jesus to be a man, but if he was a she, why the beard? I mean if Christ was always a woman, why did they ever paint all those pictures of her as a man? It doesn’t make sense. Why go through all this trouble of concealing her gender identity? We would have accepted a female Christ if that was all we ever knew, that’s how things work. And where did the image of the beard come from? This doesn’t make sense. I mean, it was only a dream. But I don’t know how dreams work here. This is Heaven, dreams could be different here. They could monitor my dreams and revoke my Christianity. What if it was just regular Jesus manifested as a woman with huge breasts? Then what? Jesus sucked my dick and that might make me gay, but then he’d be gay too and a shape shifter. Shit, I’m in trouble- I’ll bet they can read dreams here. I need another mojito. Jesus Christ, how many drinks have I had today? It’s only 7:00pm, I need to slow down. But I did take a nap. That takes at least two drinks off the list. One quick drink and then back to the conference rooms. It’s okay to be a little bit late, I show up late to work all the time and they’re fine with it. Heaven can’t be that different.

7:30pm: Got a quick mojito and smoked a cigarette really fast before the seminar. I ran up to the conference rooms. Trying to enter unnoticed, I heard a voice. It was the fucking woman! Or at least I thought it was. She was standing at the podium. “Excuse me sir, can we help you?” I explained that was there for the seminar and sorry for being late and blah and blah. “Well, why are you late? What were you doing before this?” What the fuck? There’s no way she…but she…AH. I told her I was sleeping and that my alarm didn’t go off. “That seems reasonable, come have a seat up at the front.” She winked at me. Shit, she knows that I know that… Did I get blowjob from Jesus Christ as a woman with a beard? She had the same dress on. It was dark in my dream or whatever, but I knew it was the same dress. Her voice was so familiar. She kept looking over at me and smiling. She didn’t introduce herself as Female Christ, but she still had the beard. I knew I had to get out. As soon as I got out of the door, my phone rang.

Caller: Woe Jozney?
Me: Yes. Can I help you?
Caller: Maybe you can. Maybe you can’t.
Me: What’s this all about?
Caller: I don’t know. You did get a blowjob from my sister.
Me: What are you talking about?
Caller: I think you know.
Me: No way, that was just a dream.
Caller: There are no dreams in Heaven.
Me: What are you talking about?
Caller: Meet me at the bar in 1 hour.
Me: No way. I’m going back to my room. Fuck off.
Caller: I mean no harm Woe Jozney. Just meet me at the bar.
Me: No.
Caller: Fine. I will find you in an hour. I will see you then.
Me: But-

He hung up.

…to be continued…

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