My Trip to Heaven. Day One, Part I

6:30am: Woke up totally hungover, vomited in the bathroom and took a quick shower. I decided not to fold my laundry, if you catch my drift. I wonder if Jesus knows if you masturbated earlier in the day when he shakes your hand. Probably. Also, would Jesus like me more with facial hair or without? I mean he does have a big beard. At least I think he does. I’m not sure. Running late, oh well. No shave for Jesus after all. Taxi is here! Feeling pretty pumped. Heaven or bust motherfuckers!

7:20am: Arrived at NASA in Houston. They arranged a pretty sweet ChristShuttle to send me up to the pearly gates. I really wanted to tweet about it, but I’m pretty sure it’s like a super secret. Ate a bagel, strawberry cream cheese, some OJ. NASA rules!

8:30am: Inside the ChristShuttle. This thing is bad fucking ass. Leather seats, two big screens, espresso machine. I mean, fuck heaven- I could live in here forever. Oh well. Launching in 5….4…3…2…1….WEEEEEE…..

9:00am: Space is fucking cool. I mean, really fucking cool. So is this espresso machine. Dynamite coffee. Fucking dynamite. ETA 11:00am. Activate the hyperspace drive. WEEE….

11:00am: Just arrived in Heaven. Definitely not what I expected. It’s basically a badass Hilton. I think I saw a Hilton sign actually. Oh well. Checking in at the front desk. Front desk angel is hot. No joke. The wing thing is a little weird, but I could get over it. I wonder if God has video cameras here. Can he tell I’m blogging? Fuck….Shit….Okay nothing yet. Shit, I should be on better behavior. Okay- clean thoughts, clean thoughts, puppies, clouds, banana nut muffins, puppies.

11:15am: Checked into my room. It’s pretty nice. The bed is made out of clouds and it’s just unbelievably comfortable. I thought my sleep number was the end all be all, but my God. Amazing. I’m kind of upset that there’s no HBO on the cable but they do have Showtime. Armageddon is on right now. I’d love to watch it, but I have a meeting in 10 minutes. Oh well. Oh don’t let me forget- the shower is incredible. There’s like three heads and the water pressure is absolutely perfect. I’d really like to find out what conditioner they have in here. There’s no label, but my hair feels unbelievable. I could get used to a place like this. Thus far, Heaven is okay in my book. Really excited to meet Jesus today. w00t!

11:45am: Introduction to Heaven seminar in the conference room. Spent like 20 minutes trying to find the right room. I figured they’d put the right room number on the flyer- nope! Totes frustrating. Finally find the room, walk in late, everyone was totally awkward about it. I tried to explain and they all just gave me weird looks.

There’s tons of donuts- no kolaches. Why is it that every fucking seminar I go to always has donuts and no kolaches? I mean kolaches aren’t that good for you but they’re better than donuts. Sorry God, I don’t want to be a diabetic for eternity. Jesus Christ I’m grumpy. Shit I shouldn’t be saying the Lord’s name in vain. Sorry Jesus. Anyways, the seminar was all right. Lots of PowerPoints on the rules and regulations. Thus far I’ve gathered:
-No running the in the hallways.
-No sinning whatsoever
-No growing a beard bigger than that of your Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ.
-No claiming you are Jesus Christ.
-Make sure you timesheets are submitted in PDF format.
-No cursing
-No drugs

Sounds do-able. I peaced out of the seminar early to hit the Hotel Heaven bar. Mexican Martini for the win. We’ve got a three hour break before the next seminar. Two more Mexican Martinis and a killer nap sounds fucking fantastic. Shit- I mean freaking fantastic. I’m getting better at this not cursing thing. I mean, is God even listening? I’m a terrible Christian. I feel bad. Oooo! There’s that guilt! Maybe I am becoming a Christian after all!

3:00pm: Hit up the heavenly team building seminar in another conference room. We went over a lot of information, mostly geared towards how we should prepare for the end times and what do when the four horsemen gallop over the hills of justice bearing fire and brimstone. We were given our departure points and tickets, they also emailed us back up copies in case we lose the hard copy. Apparently, God just installed a new digital believer management system . One of the things they talked about was my contact with non believers. I’m kind of concerned.

I’m a long time atheist, first time believer. The departure times for the apocalypse aren’t for another 2 years. What am I going to do when I get back? Stop living in sin with my girlfriend? Stop smoking weed with Donald from downstairs? Stop watching porn with my landlord once a month? I guess I’ve got some major lifestyle changes to think about.  Heaven is real and all, that much I know. But how am I going to keep this whole Christian thing up? Maybe I should have waited until a year before the end times to become a Christian. Two years is a long time to not fuck shit up or hurt my friends and family’s feelings. I’d hate to have to break up with my pagan girlfriend and stop hanging out with my Wiccan friends. But the showers! It’s so nice here. Jeez, I need another Mexican Martini. Hopefully we get to meet Jesus later and he’ll straighten all of this out. We’re breaking for an early dinner. Hamburgers and mojitos!

…to be continued….

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