In Which the Jesuses Approve my Application to Heaven, but Mostly Argue About Food

Boss Jesus: All right, application number 436,000. Woe Jozney. Let’s start at the top.
Drunk Jesus: But I’m bored. We’ve been doing this for 4 months and we’re all out of beer.
Boss Jesus: Look guys, I know this is tough, but we really need to get through this. You know what Consultant Jesuses said.
Drunk: Blah, Blah, Blah. Streamlining technology, new models, new paradigms… I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. I JUST WANT A BEER.
Gay Jesus: Yeah this sucks. I just want a mojito.
Boss Jesus: I tell you what, if we get to 450,000 before lunch, I’ll take everyone out for a drink at lunchtime.
Drunk Jesus: Drinks! Drinks! Yeah!
Boss Jesus: I said a drink. Drink is singular. We have a mission here.
Drunk Jesus: Drinks! Drinks! Drinks!
Boss Jesus: Okay two drinks. But that’s it. I swear to god you people drive me…
Black Jesus: What do you mean you people?
Boss Jesus: Jesus fucking Christ! I mean Jesuses, all of you. You, you, you, got it?
Black Jesus: Can I get an appetizer at lunch too?
Boss Jesus: Sure why not.
Drunk Jesus: Can I get two drinks and an appetizer at lunch?
Boss Jesus: Whatever. I don’t care. If you shut up and get to work, it doesn’t matter.
Drunk Jesus: Well I mean if I can get one appetizer and two drinks, why can’t I just substitute the appetizer for another drink and get three drinks? It seems pretty fair to me.
Boss Jesus: Two drinks only. End of discussion. Moving on.
Gay Jesus: Wait! Wait! Wait! Where are we even going?
Boss Jesus: I don’t know. There are plenty of places down the street. Does it really matter?
Gay Jesus: Of course it matters. What do you think I am? Un-cultured Jesus?
Uncultured Jesus: Hey! Leave me out of this.
Gay Jesus: Sorry. I was trying to make a point. I just don’t want to end up at Long John Silver’s.
Uncultured Jesus: I like Long John Silver’s.
All Jesuses: We know.
Gay Jesus: Some of us have- how do you say, more refined tastes.
Black Jesus: Yeah! I eat goat cheese. I like wine.
Gay Jesus: See? It does matter.
Drunk Jesus: Does Long John Silver’s have drinks?
Uncultured Jesus: No, I wish.
Drunk Jesus: Well then I don’t want to go there.
Boss Jesus: That’s it! We’re going to Kroger. I don’t give a fuck. You can get a sandwich, sushi, I don’t give a shit. If you want beer I’ll buy a case of Coors. That’s it. Got it?
Drunk Jesus: Awesome! Let’s go!
Black Jesus: Yeah, I’m hungry.
Boss Jesus: The deal was we go if you all finish the applications before lunch.
Drunk Jesus: But I need beer now!
Black Jesus: I need goat cheese now!
Earthy Female Jesus: I need quinoa now! With some organic sprouts on top. Perhaps a peach jelly to bring out the earthly taste of the quinoa.
Gay Jesus: You make me sick.
Earthy Female Jesus: Does the Kroger have a natural foods section? I’m afraid I cannot go to a regular grocery store. Matter of fact, none of you should. Do you know how many toxins are in the cleaning products that they use?
Drunk Jesus: Oh my god. Nobody gives a fuck. I heard there’s a Margaret Atwood reading somewhere across the street.
Earthy Female Jesus: Really????
Drunk Jesus: Yes, now go.
[Earthy Female Jesus runs out the door. Her dashiki flows in the wind like a gentle spring breeze]
Drunk Jesus: Thank God. All right guys, I’ll start the minivan. Let’s go!
Boss Jesus: Does any one remember what we were doing? Applications? End-times?
Distracted Jesus: Huh?
Boss Jesus: Fuck. Forget it. Let’s go. You guys are fucking retarded. Did you know that?
Black Jesus: Yeah. Sure. Let’s go get some food.
Boss Jesus: Let’s just finish this one application. What’s his name?
Clerk Jesus: Woe Jozney.
Boss Jesus: Great. Stamp approved on it and let’s go.
Clerk Jesus: But he’s not even….
Boss Jesus: You all don’t give a fuck. So I won’t give a fuck. I’m sick and tired of this shit. He’s approved, let’s go.
Clerk Jesus: Oki-Doki.
[Clerk Jesus approved my application, sends confirmation email to my email account]
[Jesuses all leave to get goat cheese and beer]

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