Application to Heaven, Round I

As we learned last week, Christ has announced some management changes in Heaven and has instituted a raffle and application system for acceptance into the pearly gates. I didn’t get a raffle ticket, so here’s my application I sent in today. I hope they like it.



Name: Woe Jozney
Age: 22
Education: BS in Alchemy from Yale College of Wizardry, 2010
GPA: 3.8

Previous Employment:

1) Milk Man 2006-2008
Delivered milk to all the families in the jolly country of England. One time I saved a kitten from being run over by a bus. I also saved a bus from being hijacked by terrorists. All of this while delivering milk. You might say I have skills.

2) Escort 2004-2006
Delivered the goods to round about 50 wealthy costumers. Dude’s gotta pay the bills. I was all business, no sin, I swear Jesus. I’m just good, right?

3) Freelance Musician 2000-2010
Radiohead, Skynyrd, Zeppelin, you name. I play it bro. Bass, Guitar, Uke. You name it bro.


Software: Adobe Creative Suite, Microsoft Office Suite, Tomb Raider 1-3, Minesweeper, Calculator, Basecamp, MS Visual Studio 2008, MS SQL Server, Mac and Windows command line utilities, video/audio editing, Python, C#, CSS, HTML, WordPress, Joomla, Drupal.

Good Deeds:
1- March 24, 2008. I jumped this dude’s car when he was stranded at the Burger King.
2- November 7, 2005. Found my friend Steve’s pot because he said if I could find it he would give me Brian’s ticket to go see Joe Satriani and I was not going to miss out on the Satch. But I did want to help him find his pot, not just because I could smoke it with him, but because I’m a good dude.
3- December 13, 2009. I stood up for this gay dude and was all like, “look who’s a faggot now Mr. Breeder!” But then the gay guy thought I was gay because I was being nice and it got complicated and we might of kissed. I’m not gonna say, but I don’t know if you’re actually down with gays, we’re not sure how you feel. I think I’m a nice guy regardless.

Please list your sins:
-Masturbation, lying to friends and family, adultery, violence, jealousy, cruelty, whatever…

Will you repent your sins?
-Sure. Whatever.

If you could be any animal, what animal would you be? Why?
-I would be a wolf, so that other animals would fear me, but not in a scary way. They would fear me because I am noble and I could eat them, but I won’t. I’ll just howl and look cool and let nature photographers take pictures of me and post them on the internet.

What are your top three activities you would do with Jesus if you were hanging out with him?
-Play music (if he plays, I’m assuming he does because he seems pretty cool), workout (so we can be buff and hit on the angel chicks), and cloud surfing (I really hope cloud surfing exists, I mean if God is good, it should exist).

What are three reasons we should let you into Heaven instead of someone else?
-I’m smarter than most people.
-I could run a pretty cool Heaven blog.
-I’ll make Jesus laugh

Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?

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