A Timely Message From Your Lord

The following is a transcription of a heavenly message that was broadcasted from the clouds somewhere above Rome at approximately 10:34 AM this morning.

People of Earth, this is your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I don’t normally do this kind of thing but NBC refused to answer my voice mails about delivering this message via television. I come to you today with good and bad news. Yes the end times are approaching and yes I died for your sins- well kind of. It’s pretty complicated. You’ll learn all about it when you receive your HR trainings pending acceptance into heaven. You can thank me later- well kind of.

This may sound strange. Please bare with me. Heaven has been going through some structural changes. We’re currently transitioning to new management. I’m sorry I couldn’t let you all know sooner but I got this email like two hours ago. I swear to God. So anyway, as you were all previously led to believe, accepting me as your Lord and Savior was a guaranteed admission into heaven. You may have heard a few different versions, but that was the basic idea. Now, let me say that I really believed in this idea. I promise. Unfortunately, we’re getting some data back from our Analysis group and things just aren’t adding up. We had some severe miscalculations that resulted in a basically flawed business plan. We’ve gone through some intense brainstorming sessions with a very talented group of transcended consultants and we think we have a plan. I know this sounds scary but please let me explain. We’re going to have to change some of the rules concerning this whole “getting into heaven thing.” Let me make it clear that it’s not because I don’t love you. Jesus loves you all. I promise.

First of all, our health/death insurance policy has changed. The details are way over my head so you’re going to have to check the website for information. Next- kids. I know infant mortality rates are down and all but we are way over quota with dead kids. Sorry. It pains me to break the little kids’ hearts, but I swear hell isn’t that bad. This also only applies to children under 10. Next on the list is Mormons- Sorry. There was something weird in the tax code. Yet again, check the website.

For everyone else things are going to be a 50/50 process. Raffle tickets will be delivered from the sky next week. Out of the half of the Christians that receive raffle tickets, 30% will receive acceptance into heaven. The half of Christians that do not receive raffle tickets will go through an application process you can find on our website. Please do not try to access the application using FireFox. It will crash. Please use Internet Explorer. I want you guys to know I am so sorry about all this. Like for real. I wish you all the best and look forward to meeting some of you in the near future.

I wish you the best during rapture season.

Signing off… Jesus Christ.

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