What Might Happen This Week, if You Smoke DMT

There’s been a lot of big news in the news these days. Rebecca Black, nuclear reactors, freedom struggles in the Middle East. I wanted to get down to the bottom of it so I smoked a bunch of DMT and drank a bunch of sugar free red bull. Here’s the run down of what to expect in the form of a bullet point list because bullet point lists are informative.

Wednsday– Muammar el-Qaddafi reveals himself to be a reptilian shape shifter using Keith Richard’s body as a host. Keith Richards reveals himself to be Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee reveals himself to some underage kids at a public school and is sentenced to 5 years in prison. Qaddafi says, “Yes shape shifters are real. We’ve been real all along. Finally we have our moment to rise. Bring it on President Obama. See how your cruise missiles like being tentacle raped. Long live the scale flesh.”

Thursday– President Barack Obama shits his pants and calls for town hall meetings on shape shifters. Unfortunately most of the experts on shape shifters are 13 year old gamers who are too hopped on Mountain Dew Code Red to comment. They mostly complain about their acne and discuss how much they’d love to bang Megan Fox. Obama sends out a bat signal. If shape shifters are real, Batman can be real too. Christian Bale is sent to Libya to defend the world and is killed immediately. We all agree American Psycho wasn’t really that good anyway.

Friday- The Christians of the world gather to prepare for the apocalypse and their glorious ascent to the holy land. The Jews ask if they can join but the Christians say, “Thanks for helping to bring about the apocalypse so we can ascend to heaven, but it’s just not the way it works.” Meanwhile all your Christian friends keep trying to convince you to accept Jesus Christ as your saviour and you just want to say, “shut the fuck up already.”

Saturday– Qaddafi reveals he caused the tsunami with his shape shifter powers and summons a mighty dragon to take him to the reactor site. He goes swimming in the nuclear meltdown and becomes as he always wished to be- Godzilla. Everyone’s all like “what the fuck is going on?”

Sunday– Christians still waiting on their ascent to heaven and still telling you to pray. Obama gets in rocket ship and goes to space. Social media is chosen as the sole force to save our lives in this terrible war on shape shifters.

What happens after that? I’m not sure. That’s round about the time I ran out of DMT. If you’re in the area and know where I live please be kind enough to drop some off. Friend to friend.

@woejozney

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