Excerpts From My Seminars

You are better today than you were yesterday. It’s true. It’s true for each and every one of you. I want you to take a moment and close your eyes. Imagine yourself in a floating ball of consciousness. Breath deep. Say the words, “I am better today than I was yesterday.” Did you say it? Say it again. How do you feel? Do you feel good? Like, good good, or ice cream sandwich good?

I want you to picture yourself as you were yesterday. You could be standing on the corner, eating dinner, taking a shower. It doesn’t matter, just picture yourself as you were at some moment in the day. Now I want you to imagine yourself today walking into the situation with yourself yesterday. Greet your yesterday self and shake hands, as if you were two friends who share lattes on occasion or perhaps ride tandem bicycles together.  I want you to say, “You are me yesterday and I am better than you.” Go ahead, say it. Your past self may ask why or say, “No way, you’re just me tomorrow,” but don’t take that shit. Tell your yesterday self, “No! I am better than you, I know it.” Your past self may wonder why you’re being so aggro and what he/she ever did to you to piss you off. That’s not important, your past self is a fucking loser and doesn’t even know it. Come up with rude things to say to your past self and begin berating your past self in your mind’s eye. Make sure your eyes are still closed and that your breath is deep and comes from the belly. Rainbows, Unicorns, Namaste.

Your past self will become annoyed with you and demand that you leave immediately. Refuse and become more aggressive. If questioned, accuse your past self of being a stuck up bitch or punk ass faggot. Say, “What the fuck are you gonna do about it bitch?” No matter how passively your past self responds to your comments, remain aggressive. Do not let up. When you think your past self least expects it, punch your past self in the throat. Your past self will fall to the ground and start gasping for breath. No matter how painfully your past self tries to say “I can’t breath,” ignore it. You are better today than you were yesterday. Say this again to yourself as you watch your past self writhe on the floor and struggle to breath. Once your past self manages to regain regular breathing, kneel down beside it and pretend to offer a helping a hand. Say, “I’m sorry. Actually I’m just kidding I’m not sorry.” This is when you rise to your feet and dropkick your past self. Feel free to break the bones in the hand with your feet, this will unsure that your past self has little chance of fighting back. Your past self should be fairly debilitated by now, if not, please debilitate to the point of sobbing and screaming and hushed whispers of Why god why.

Now that your past self is physically crushed, I want you to imagine yourself peeing on them. Feel the flow from your ureter as you urinate all over their clothes. Take a deep breath. Breath from the belly. Feel your center. Say it again, “I am better today than I was yesterday.” Ask your past self if he/she can smell the stench of their future urine. Ask them if they can get up. Say, “Of course you can’t because I broke your fucking hands you fucking loser.” This will emotionally break the strength of your past self. If you feel calm and zen-like, continue to emotionally abuse your crippled yesterday self. Open your eyes. Let’s all say it together, “I am better today than I was yesterday.”


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