Hello, Hello! It’s about that time of the year when the budget comes and you get notified of a reduction in force. I know you think, “it could never be me,” but it probably is you. I think being proactive is the only thing to do, so I’m gonna crowd-source my new career. I’ve got a few ideas, but I need to weigh some pros and cons and see what yallz tweeters think.

1- Whataburger Employee
Pros: Eating lots of Whataburger all the time.
Cons: Becoming dependant on fast food for happiness, becoming obese, danger of burning hand off in the deep fryer.

2- Pool Boy
Pros: Banging chicks, hanging out by the pool, drinking mojitos.
Cons: Banging nasty old women, looking fat in booty shorts, danger of losing hand in pool filter, danger of mojitos not being involved.

3- Drug Dealer
Pros: Money, bitches, drugs, Escalades.
Cons: Going to prison for a while and then working at HEB because it’s the only place I can get employed after that and losing a hand in a shopping cart accident.

4- Literary Fiction Writer
Pros: Smoking a pipe, tweed, respect from other people who wear tweed.
Cons: Money spent on thesauruses, unnecessary descent into alcoholism, suicide.

5- Prostitute
Pros: none.
Cons: lots.

6- Truck Driver
Pros: Amphetamines, solitude, quality time with the ipod.
Cons: Having sex in the bathroom of that one Shell station, addiction to big gulp slurpees.

7- Investment Banker
Pros: Money, power, sex with expensive prostitutes, yachts, house in the Hamptons, Gucci suits.
Cons: Having to remove your soul and spine through the sorry excuse that is your vapid asshole.

8- High School Teacher
Pros: The ability to educate and inspire the future leaders of tomorrow.
Cons: Everything.

9- The Military
Pros: Getting into good shape, protecting freedom, guns.
Cons: Death, killing civilians, authority, PTSD, being a pawn, suicide, no help when you get home….etc….

10- Alligator Wrestler
Pros: Being a badass, eating alligator tacos all the fucking time.
Cons: Losing a hand to the noble beast who is your worthy opponent.

What do you guys think? I’m leaning towards being a truck driver or being an alligator wrestler.

Hit me up on the Twitter.

Thanks bros,


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