End Times Stuff

Weaponry– In the dark days that approach, you must be prepared to defend yourself, your loved ones, or your gold. If you are unfortunate enough to live in Texas your neighbors probably own multiple guns and will shoot you on sight because it’s their god-dam-god-given right- unless you shoot them first, but that’s unlikely. I don’t recommend Molotov cocktails because liquor is precious and should not be wasted. Practice your swordsmanship, archery, and karate skills. Practice your bludgeoning with a watermelon. The outer shell of the watermelon is fairly comparable to the skull of 12 year old. I know what you’re thinking, “I can’t bludgeon a 12 year old boy’s skull in! I’m a good person.” Blahdy Fucking Blah Blah. This is the end times. There is no time for that talk.

Food– I would give you tips on foraging and preserving food, but let’s face it, this is the fucking apocalypse. It’s a free for all bro. Instead I’d like you to assume you will be eating recently dead strangers or your loved ones. Yes, you may have to kill them (your loved ones), I recommend shooting them in the head or strangling them- it’s fairly merciful. Here’s a few ideas I have for preparing human flesh. I think you’ll find these useful when all the believers ascend to heaven and leave a trail of Jews and Hedonists in the streets for your taking (I’m assuming you’re not getting into heaven because you’re a homosexual, you masturbated once, or maybe you had sex before you were married.)
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For the bold who don’t mind the straight flavor of another man’s flesh, I recommend tacos, quesadillas, human fried rice, human fried steak, steak fried human, human stew, chicken noodle human, and human tartar.

For those that prefer a more exotic or masked presentation of the flesh they swore they would never consume, I recommend calf muscle curry, poached eyeballs, deep fried brains, female breast curry, and many more I will share with you if you decide to join my mad max band of survivalists/drag queens/vaudeville theater group.

Disease– Germs n’ shit will run rampant through the streets of every town as people get murdered for giving people weird looks. It is well known that non-believers carry more disease than the good people who accept the lord as their savior. I recommend wearing condoms on your fingers at all times. Plastic bags on the head with little mouth holes for breathing are incredibly effective at preventing contagious pathogens. If you suspect anyone is being weird or feeling sick, kill them. It doesn’t matter if they are your lover, mother, or child- You must kill them. I recommend doing it as violently as possible so you can desensitize yourself to future violence you will most certainly inflict on innocent people. When you eat their bodies make sure to cook it all the way through.

May Molock give us strength,

#woejozney

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