MARKETING FOR FUCKTARDS

Twitter– Add as many people as you can as quickly as possible. When people see that you follow 25,000 people and 25,000 people follow you, they’ll know your totally legit. The fact that 50,000 people follow Zack Galifinakis and he only follows 8 people is a fluke. Just search keywords related to your content and message those people offering them 50% off a new internet plan from Clear. If it didn’t work, why are 4 million people doing it?

Viral Vidz– If you want people to buy your product, make sure you make videos with you and your friends punching each other in the balls. Or get in the shower with your cats. It’ll be hilarious. OMG LOLZ style. Better yet, just copy a viral video that already exists. If it worked then, it works now. While you’re at it, make a sex tape. Just claim you’re fucking Kim Kardishian. If that doesn’t work claim you’re Charlie Sheen and the girl you’re fucking is 16. It’s called #guerrillamarketing yall.

Flikr– Eat a cool sandwich? Drinking a good beer? Fuck a married co-worker in the copy room? Take a nasty looking shit? Take a picture of that shit on your iphone and put it on Flikr. Your followers will thank you. Building your brand is all about filling in the narrative- 1 fucking step at a time.

Billboards– Shit is cheap. Buy em. Make sure to not put your brand name on it. That way you remain mysterious… which is good marketing.

Networking– Make sure the first thing you do when you meet people is give them a link to your LinkedIn profile. Tell them you’re looking for a job and ask them if they want to give you one. If they say no, ask them to invest in your vitamin business that’s totally legitimate even though you run in it out of your mother’s basement. Also, I heard #SXSW is a great place to network. Out of all 40,000 people representing startups, they really need to care about yours. If you feel nervous while networking, I hear alcohol helps you loosen up. But I wouldn’t know anything about that.

Facebook– Post everything you do a couple times a day and make sure and add lots of people you don’t know. Never post other people’s content, that will just confuse your base.

Blogging– Only blog about blogging. SEO that shit all the time. The medium is all that matters. Original content is for fucktards, poets, and people who are already famous.

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