Quick Valentines Tips

-Olive Garden. Everybody loves the Olive Garden. It is scientifically proven that the smell of fresh breadsticks makes passionate intercourse 2 to 3 more likely, 60% of the time, all the time. The unlimited salad will make your lover feel thin and beautiful before they scarf down 2000 calories of fettuccine alfredo.

-Chris Botti. Once you’ve taken your lover to the Olive Garden, bring her back home and put on some Chris Botti. His sensual melodies ensure that you aren’t just gonna fuck tonight, you’re gonna make love…

-Gifts. Two words: jewelry, blowjobs. That is all.

-Chocolate. Save the candy for the bedroom. Chocolate is a powerful aphrodisiac and a fantastic way to fuck your nice sheets up.

-Movie. Your lover may want to watch a film for digestive purposes after the Olive Garden. I reccomend something with the word love in the title. There’s plenty of them out there. Myself? I’m watching Shindler’s List. Nothing turns my lover and I on like epic tales of Jewish survival. Also see: The Pianist.

-Bondage. If there was a ever a time to try it, tonight’s the night.

-Fights. If there was a ever a time to get in a big fight, it’s tonight. Try to do so at the Olive Garden, everybody loves a scene, and it will make the happy couples feel better about themselves. Win-Lose-Win, or something like that.

Happy Valentines day! Try not to get herpes, and be kind to your lover.

    • Anonymous aka Valerie Y.
    • February 14th, 2011

    I think my fiance and I may take this advice to heart. Thanks for planning our Vday celebration!

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