#Mommyblogging Day Five

Day 5: When I started this #mommyblogging experiment, my intentions were clear. I wanted to become a mommyblogger so that I could make money and get lots of followers and then eventually write a book about A) being a mother or B) blogging about being a mother. It’s been 5 whole days and I have yet to receive any emails indicating a book deal might come my way. I’m wondering if this whole mom thing is really even worth it. I mean, I spent like god knows how much purchasing Admiral Ackbar, not to mention the cost of skittles, breast milk, and child care. It’s really tough being a mother in this economy. I mean, if I don’t get a book deal soon, how will I afford to send Admiral Ackbar to AC repair school?

I see all these young people looking beautiful, buying mojitos and beers with Spanish names- they don’t understand what it’s like to be a mother. I fucking love seven dollar wine, but you know what? If I drink two bottles of seven dollar wine a day, I can’t afford the skittles and Robitussin baby Ackbar needs.  And so I drink three dollar bottles of wine. Do you even know what three dollar bottles of wine taste like? No you don’t, because you probably drink seven dollar bottles of wine. Fucking yuppies.

I’m sorry if I seem emotional right now, it must be all the hormones. Since I became a mother, my body’s been changing. I sweat a lot, my balls don’t feel right, I’m eating way too much ice cream. All I want to do is curl up in bed and cry, but then Admiral Ackbar starts to cry too and the sound just gets unbearable and then my neighbor Steve comes over and tells me to “shut the god-forsaken-fuck up,” and then we get in a yelling match and I lose Admiral Ackbar and have to leave skittle traps all over the apartment so I can find him and get him tussed up and ready for bed by 10:00. UGH.

Anyways, the point of this post is that I think I need to start making youtube videos of my baby. I mean what’s the point in having a baby if you can’t make youtube videos with them? I really think this could step my blog game up, you know, diversify content, streamline media, whatever. Anyways, I went to Walmart and got one of those flip video cameras. I sat Ackbar down in front of the camera and guess what happened…. NOTHING.

He didn’t do anything funny, he didn’t throw up or fall down, he didn’t make any crazy faces. I tried to put on a Smash Mouth CD in hopes he would dance, but he just started crying. I mean who wants to watch a video of a baby crying to Smash Mouth? And it’s not just Smash Mouth- I tried Coldplay, Van Morrison, Rick James. Nothing. Way to go Admiral Ackbar. You can’t dance, can’t make funny faces, is there anything you can do? Sometimes I wonder if you give a shit. I started #mommyblogging for you, well kind of, it’s more for me, but I bought you for the blog. Doesn’t that mean shit? Maybe I should have gotten the asian baby, what do you think about that Mr. Ackbar? You’d still be in a cardboard box in the back of a Pets Mart being cared for by a mentally handicapped guy named….

….deep breaths….

I’m sorry Admiral Ackbar. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that, I just get so caught up in being internet famous and wanting to make vidz that I forget what really matters. Being a mother- your mother, and blogging about it. I’m such a terrible mother. I can’t believe I got mad at you for not dancing. You can’t help it, you’re just a baby.

You know, it would be cool to have funny videos and get lots of likes on Facebook, but at the end of the day that’s not what being a mom is all about. Being a mom is about loving without condition. And caring, and sharing, and taking that little bugger you love in your arms, puttin on ESPN, and letting him suckle on your tussin soaked finger till he drifts off to dreamland. Then, and only then, do you fall asleep knowing you’re a good mother. (Wine helps me sleep too, but that’s not the point. I’m trying to be sentimental)

Till Tomz,


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