#Mommyblogger Day Four

Day 4: Okay guys, I’ve made it through four whole days of being a #mommyblogger. I think I’m starting to get the hang of this now. I’ll drop some #mommyknowledgebombs (tips) on you right quick.

Mommy Tip #1) Get a nanny. Children are great and cute and you love them and all that, but honestly- they cry, shit, throw up, and whatever all day long.  It can be really tiring. Mommy’s hungover when she wakes up in the morning, baby Ackbar thinks he’s the only one who gets cranky when he doesn’t get enough sleep. If you can’t afford to get a nanny you’re probably poor and don’t read blogs anyways.

Mommy Tip #2) Babies love candy. When Admiral Ackbar is good, he gets sour skittles. It’s a good way to introduce your children to the food pyramid. Always start at the top- that’s where the sour skittles are! When your child starts to run off the tracks of the sugar high, dip your finger (or nipple) in some tussin and let it take them away to sleep land. Rinse and repeat.

Mommy Tip #5) Pay extra and get the nanny with breast milk. They’re hard to find but I’ll be damned if the color hasn’t returned to Admiral Ackbar’s skin. Admiral Ackbar looks so healthy now.

I’m really proud of myself. I finally feel like I’m getting the hang of this thing. Now that he doesn’t look all nasty and white, I think I’ll take some pictures of him. That’s something all mothers do, it’s one of the cornerstones of the mothering process. When he grows up to graduate from AC Repair School, he’s gonna look back at his first moments in the world and say, “well, I’ll be fucked. That’s so crazy, we were are all once babies, we all turn into people, and I love you mom.” I’ll agree with him and we’ll drink wine together for the first time and all these years of hard work as a mother will have paid off. And then I can say,

Dear other #mommybloggers,
Fuck your shit, and fuck it hard. I did it, did it right. My kid’s got an associates degree and a kid of his own with that girl in the trailer next door. Suck my #mommyblogging dick.

I know it’s only day four and Admiral Ackbar’s 18th birthday is a long way away, but I can’t help being excited. This is all too much, my brain can’t take it today. I need a glass of wine, a diet coke, and a cigarette. I’ll be on twitter later if you want to talk about mothering or TV.

Take Care,


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