#Mommyblogger Day Three

Day 3: Hey everyone!  Thanks for all your continued support in my #mommyblogging experiment.  I want to send a shoutout to all my twitter peeps who helped clear some things up for me.  @momsincypresstexas let me know that babies need breast milk, who knew?  I think I vaguely remember that- god I should have paid attention in high school.  2% milk? What was I thinking? Sometimes I feel like a bad mother, but then I remember this is a continual process and it’s all about learning and growing and shit.

Okay, so I read in this magazine that once you become a mother you start producing breast milk.  My friend Megan got pregnant and her tits got huge. As a new mother, I was a little worried I wouldn’t be able to produce breast milk. This morning, I picked Admiral Ackbar up and cradled him against my chest. I slipped the shoulder of my moo moo off (I wear moo moos now that I’m a mother) and tried to get him to latch. He didn’t seem very into so I tried to lure him by putting sugar on my nipples but that only worked for a while. I know men don’t usually produce milk, but I figured this was a special case and that the emotional energy involved in my being a mother would help it work out.  Am I not trying hard enough to be a mother?  What’s wrong with me?

So, if I couldn’t produce milk, who could? I went to Target and got a breast pump. I tried to get my girlfriend to let me pump her breasts, but she kept saying that she wasn’t producing any breast milk and that the last thing she’d ever let me do is pump her breasts.  I begged and begged but she just got on the internet and showed me some websites explaining that she wouldn’t produce milk unless she was pregnant. I was all like, well if you would have just gotten pregnant for my mommy blog we wouldn’t be having this problem and she got mad and told me I have to sleep on the couch tonight.  But it’s okay I need to spend more time with Admiral Ackbar anyways.

On the bright side, if I start taking hormones I may be able to lactate. I really want to be the best mother I can, no matter what it takes.

I went to the doctor and told him the deal. He wasn’t very receptive to my situation and said that the home situation for Admiral Ackbar didn’t sound like a safe situation to raise a young child. He threatened to call social services and I told him I was just kidding. I left promptly and made sure to steal a bunch of Home and Garden magazines on my way out- I’m really into collaging nowadays.

So, I’ve been put in a really awkward situation. Can the world be so cruel as to prevent me from acquiring/producing the breast milk my child so desperately needs? It makes me sick. I can’t stand the thought of Admiral Ackbar being insufficiently nurtured. I’m a mother, my sole job is to provide for this child. What can I do?  Should I rob a breast milk bank? Do breast milk banks exist? Does anyone have any extra milk in their breasts for my child? Hit me up @woejozney on the twitter, make sure and use the hash tag #mommyblogging.

So, that’s enough about the child part of my blog.  One of the best parts of being a #mommyblogger is getting to review products. This week I’d like to talk about an amazing product- Vendange boxed wine!  Moms love wine, everyone knows that, but sometimes making sure you always have wine can be a challenge for moms on the go.  Drop the kids off, do laundry, clean dishes, pick kids up, make dinner, satisfy husband- who can find time to drink wine during all that busy hustle and bustle of being a 21st century mother?  Thank god there’s Vendange, it’s just like a big juice box full of wine.  It’s great because your kids will just think it’s juice, you don’t have to explain alcohol to them- that is until they raid the fridge and drink the whole thing and you have to rush them to the emergency room because they have alcohol poisoning, but we’ll cover that later.  I bring Vendange with me everywhere I go- in the car, at home, to the playground, to the shopping market.  Long gone is the stigma of a drunken housewife with a bottle of wine, it’s stylish, it’s new, it’s mini-boxed wine. You didn’t just drink three glasses of wine, you just a had a box- it’s cool.  So yeah, I expect a check from Vendange soon.

I’ll be drinking boxed Merlot all night so I’ll see you all tomorrow

Much Love,


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