Mommy Blog Day Two

Welcome back to my exciting adventure into the world of mothering.  It’s so crazy to think that just two days ago I was a disgruntled 22 year old male college graduate, I hardly remember it.  I can’t even imagine my life without being a mother.  It’s strange.  Anyways, welcome to day two of my mommy blogging experience.

Day Two: Okay y’all, day two, here we go, I can do it!  Yesterday was pretty rough, but Kid and I made it through the night.  Turns out the child likes peanut butter and I like wine, so we both got a good nights sleep.  I woke up slightly hungover and the smell was just… god awful.  What is that, I wondered, it smells like a dirty diaper or something.  Oh shit- that’s right, babies poop.  That’s the first thing I learned about being a mother today- babies poop.  The next thing I learned about being a mother- buy diapers.  Diapers are a very efficient way of managing babies poop.  I wish I had known that on day one, but it’s okay, I’m a mom, I can deal.

I got some great responses on twitter for my crowd-sourced name my child contest and the winner is….drumroll….

@rodneylikesbigbuts: @woejozney name it admiral ackbar!  #starwarsrulzimstonedhellyeah

I fucking love Star Wars!  Almost as much as I love being a mom.  And so, @rodneylikesbigbutts, you win!  Everyone please welcome Admiral Ackbar Jozney to the family.  It feels good having a name to call it, I mean him, I mean Admiral Ackbar.  I’m gonna watch Star Wars with the boy so he can understand how cool it is.  I think he could use some stimulation.  All he does is stare into space and cry, I try to turn music up really loud when he cries so I don’t notice it as much, but then he cries louder so I turn my music up and then he cries even louder and then I get a noise complaint and have to talk to the police and they’re like “why are your teeth all red?” and I’m like “CUZ I DRINK WINE,” and they’re like, “is that a child I hear in the background?” and I’m all like no way, those are my cats and they have cancer.  And that goes on for a while and then they leave.

One of the issues I really want to talk about is the role of the father in a child’s life.  As a mother, I provide a warm nurturing center that fosters the emotional and spatial development in my child’s heart and mind.  The problem is, I gave up my masculine energy to be a mother, who will be the father to this child?  I’d really like to get some input on this.

Will my child be picked on at school?  “Hey everyone check out Admiral Ackbar’s mom!  His mommy has a beard!  And smells like cigarettes!  What a loser, let’s call him a fag and steal his applesauce!”  Am I right?  And then Admiral would come home crying and I’ll have to deal with this insecure 8 year old all fucking day and then when he gets to high school he’ll go through his whole dark phase and spend his days camping out in the bayou decked out in mesh shirts and raver pants taking Coricidin and dissecting cats.  Being a mother is so stressful.  How do you other moms deal with this?

Also- Admiral Ackbar won’t drink his milk.  I figured I should get 2% because whole milk isn’t good for you.  Tips from other moms?  Hit me up @woejozney hastag #mommyblogger!

Signing off,

Your favorite #mommyblogger!

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