Job Tips for Young People

Caffeine- A hopeless addiction to caffeine will help you regulate your mood swings.  Now, when you wake up every morning hating everything and everybody, at least you’ll  know why.  When you get to work you can drink 5 cups of coffee and feel fucking fantastic for a good 3 hours or so.  The rest of the day is still a void, but those 3 hours are worth it.

Sunshine- Make sure and take cigarette breaks so that you can go outside and get a little bit of vitamin D every once in a while.

Google Docs- Make sure and do everything in Google Docs, that way when you spend 3 hours a day working on your memoirs, nobody has a clue.  If you don’t do subversive things at work, you probably care about your job and should ignore most everything I ever say.

Banter- Don’t tell anybody anything.  Use your constant silence to assert your detached intellectual state.  This way nobody will ask you questions and when you decide to talk, they might just pay attention.

Dress- Don’t dress for the job you want, dress for the amount of money you are paid.  If someone confronts you about not tucking your shirt in, tell them you’re going to need another $10k to do that.  If they are still pestering you, explain that you cannot afford to purchase any nice clothes because you already have to pay for parking, which is a scam.

Are you inspired yet?

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