Closet Case Jesus Enters The Chamber Of Purpose Part I

God: My son, as you embark on this dangerous quest into the chamber of purpose remember it is because I love you that you must go. Even if you are devoured by beetles, it is something you must do.  I will not forget you- at least I hope not.  We’ll see.

Closet Case Jesus: Tell me father, have any of the Jesuses made it through the chamber alive?

God: Yes, but I do not remember them.  4 billion years of functional alcoholism has rendered my memory fairly useless.  For all I know, I totally left the coffee pot on when I left the apartment.  God, I always do that.  So if you die, I will probably forget.  But we’re hoping you don’t die- right?  Think on the bright side.  Anyways, go forth my son.  Find your new purpose!

Closet Case Jesus: Is there anything I should know about?  Trials?  Beasts?  That sort of thing?

God: Yeah, there’s some of that.  Oh!  Before I forget, take this.

Closet Case Jesus: What is it?

God: It’s your mother.  Due to the cosmic nature of my being, each woman who bears my seed begins to die a slow painful dead.  In order to preserve their lives, I transplant their souls into toads.  I’m pretty into amphibians.  Sometimes when I get lonely, I dress them up and we re-enact historical events.  But anyway, yeah, here’s your mother.

Closet Case Jesus: Oh my!  Will I be able to communicate with her?

God: Yes.  You and only you can communicate with your amphibian mother.  She will grow tired through the trials ahead, you should try to conserve her energy.  Here, take her.  Take care of her, a time will come when you will need her.

God hands the boy’s mother to him.

Closet Case Jesus: Hello mother.  I promise to take care of you.

Toad-Mother: Ribbit

God: Go forth my son!  Go forth and find your purpose!  Godspeed!

God inserted the key of purpose into the lock of purpose and opened the doors to the chamber of purpose.  The foul stench of purpose filled the air.  Closet Case Jesus was scared.  Not like audition butterflies in his stomach scared, but a real, visceral and biblical scared.  He entered the chamber and felt the presence of evil digging through his back pockets, he kind of liked it, but he was still scared.  Had culinary school prepared him for this?  Should he have taken weight lifting in instead of modern dance?  It didn’t matter- he had to find his purpose.  He turned to wave goodbye to his father, but his father was gone.  The doors clicked shut.

Slowly but not so surely, he proceeded forward.  The ground crunched beneath his feet.  He thought of that Indiana Jones movie.  The one where they eat that guys heart and stuff.  Those bugs were so gross.  He decided it must be bones, or bugs, or the bones of bugs.  Did bugs even had bones?  They didn’t teach him that in culinary school.  He knelt down afraid of what he might find.  They were Butterfinger-Crunch-Bars.  Millions of them.  Where had they come from?  How long had they been here?  Had they expired?  Do things expire in the chamber of purpose?  He debated eating it but he knew there’s no time for candy when there’s a purpose to be found.  It would have gone straight to his ass anyways.

He proceeded forward into the light.   He was in a room with 5 doors.  2 of the doors said do not enter, and since this was a place of purpose they probably said that for a reason.  Confused, feeling slightly hopeless, he pulled his mother out his pocket.  “Mom, what do you think I should do?”

The mother toad stared, she looked like a radioactive accordion covered in snot.  He was only partially disgusted (It is well documented that homosexuals do not like amphibians).  “Ribbit!  Ribbit!”  It was hard to believe that once presumably beautiful woman once controlled the consciousness that was now trapped inside the helpless and slimy creature.  “Ribbit… Ribbit…”

Closet Case Jesus had never really met his mother.  Due to the nature of the christ birthing process, he spent only one day with mother- the day of his birth.  His father brought him to a very special nursery the day after his birth so he could be raised on Swedish breast milk.  God always said that the milk of Swedish tits was the purest in the world.  No child of his would go without it.

“But father said you would talk to me.  He said because you’re my mother and you’re a toad, only I can communicate with you.  Which door should I open?”

“Ribbit.  Ribbit.”

“Some use you are.”  He put the toad back in his pocket, she was happy to be back in his pocket where it is warm and it didn’t smell like purpose.  When God impregnated her, she was a performance artist, she always claimed that her work was devoid of purpose.  Closet Case Jesus approached door number two.  “Here goes nothing.”  The door opened slowly.

“Jesus?  Is that you?”

“Scott, but I thought you…”

“Don’t speak….”

to be continued…

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