In Which The Jesuses Learn The True Nature Of Jesushood, And God Takes Ecstasy

Boss Jesus: Is he coming?

Close Case Jesus: Yeah, he’ll be right down.

Drunk Jesus: Did he mention if he was bringing any beer?  I’m thirsty and we don’t have any beer in the fridge.  I’m not even talking in broken english, I need a drink.

Depressed Jesus: Yeah I want one too.  I hate dad.

Black Jesus: Now don’t say that.  You know he can difficult sometimes but…

Depressed Jesus: I made the world, the sun, the stars, love, hate.  What did you do son?  Drop out of ITT Tech?  Way to go son.

Russell Brand: Who is this Dad you speak of?

Black Jesus: You know, the almighty?  God?

Russell Brand: Oh yeah, you know I forgot.  That’s right- the whole Jesus thing.  Gotcha.

Earthy Female Jesus: I always imagined God would be a woman.  A thick, beautiful woman with a gentle but strong voice.

Boss Jesus: Well, yeah, I mean no.  God’s your Dad.  Your mother was probably some girl he met selling chili at a Greatful Dead concert.

Earthy Female Jesus: That would explain my interest in…

Closet Case Jesus: SHHH. Here he comes.

God enters.  He’s dressed in a bathrobe, has a five-oclock-shadow thing goin on, and carries a six pack of Pabst tall boys in his right hand.

God: Sup?

Drunk Jesus: Mind if I get my brew on?

God: Totes.  So, something about Gay Jesus?  Needs money for his pottery classes again?

Closet Case Jesus: No dad, it’s me.  I’m the one who wanted to talk to you.

God: Oh, what’s the deal?

Closet Case Jesus: Well dad, I don’t know how to say this, but I’m gay.  I’ve always been gay and I’ll always be gay.  I’m coming out- I want the world to know.

God: Well, yeah, why do you think I enrolled you in all those dance classes and paid for you to go to culinary school?

Closet Case Jesus: Oh…

God: So what’s the deal?  The Green Bay game is on upstairs, I got it paused on Tivo.

Closet Case Jesus: It’s about the rules of Jesushood.  Boss Jesus says I can’t be Gay Jesus because there’s already a Gay Jesus.  I’m no longer a Closet Case Jesus.  Is this true?

God: Oh fuck- that’s right.  I forgot about that.  Yeah you gotta go man, it’s in the book and stuff.

Closet Case Jesus: But it isn’t fair!  I like being Jesus!  I don’t want to leave!

God: Oh bugger.  Why do I always have to deal with this shit… Do you remember Fat Jesus?

Black Jesus: Yeah man, I remember him.  He smelled terrible.

Gay Jesus: Always ate my goat cheese and wouldn’t fess up.  What a duche.

God: Well, do you remember when he went on Atkins?  He lost like 120 pounds and got skinny.  At the time we had a Skinny Jesus and so he had to leave.  Speaking of skinny, who the fuck’s that guy in the corner rubbing his nipples?

Russell Brand: Russell Brand sir!

God: Doesn’t ring a bell.

Russell Brand: Russell Brand as in star of Get Him to the Greek?

God: Huh… nope.  Nothing.  Anyways, I’ll get your severance package typed up Closet Case.  You’ll get some relocation money and you can keep your health insurance for 6 months if you want.  I hear Moses has openings in the IT department.  I’ll give him a call.

Russell Brand: Guys, I’ve got an idea.  I’ve got a few more ecstasy pills.  I think we should all take one more pill, talk it over, maybe we can figure something out.

Drunk Jesus: I’m down.

Black Jesus: Pops?  You ever roll?

God: I haven’t in quite some time, but what the fuck.  When in Rome.

Two hours later, Black Jesus is playing scrabble with Earthy Female Jesus and Boss Jesus, Drunk Jesus is trying to find the Bagel Bites he swore he bought last week, the Atlantic Ocean is boiling, it’s raining lizards in all of South America, people can see in x-ray vision, and Russell Brand is still rubbing his nipples.

God: You know?  I love you Closet Case Jesus, I really do love you.  I never thought of it before, but I love all of you- so much.  I’ve been so caught up in Twitter and HDTV and stuff that I forgot about what it’s really all about.  You guys are all descendants of my holy sperm!  It’s a shame it gave all of your mothers cancer and all that, but you guys are my children.  I cannot turn my back on my child.  It would not be a godly thing to do.  Closet Case Jesus, you may stay, but you’re going to have to find another name.  You must enter the chamber of purpose.  It is a dangerous place.  If you survive, you will emerge new- pure, and with a new name.  Are you willing to accept this challenge?

Closet Case Jesus: Yes.  I am.

God: Come then, follow me to the chamber of purpose.  Wave goodbye to your brothers.

All the Jesuses wave bye to their brother as he exits.


Boss Jesus: My God.  No one’s ever come out of the chamber of purpose before.

Black Jesus: God have mercy on us all.

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