In Which The Jesuses Take Ecstasy And Deal With Some Real Shit

Russell Brand: OkiDokiPigsinaPoki, let’s get this jam session started right chaps!  The first thing we need is instruments.  What we got boys?

Depressed Jesus: I play the laptop.

Black Jesus: Bass, of course, but I also play keyboards, I’ve also been told I have a sensual voice.

Earthy Female Jesus: I play the Appalachian Mountain Dulcimer. It’s a sensitive instrument. It’s the instrument I liken most to the female soul. Some people say if you listen to the wind…

Russell Brand: Enough of that. Do we have a drummer in the house?

Drunk Jesus hops on the drum kit and starts hitting things really hard.

Russell Brand: Well, that settles that.  Guitars?

Boss Jesus: I can play the entire AC/DC songbook.

Russell Brand: Well, let’s get started.  If we’re gonna jam, we’re gonna need some inspiration.

Stoner Jesus: Yeah let’s smoke some pot.

Russell Brand: That’s a start, but I think we need something a little more, how do you say, potent.

Boss Jesus: Like what?

Russell Brand: Ecstasy!  Here you guys go. I highly recommend sticking them in your anus, it’s far more effective.

Drunk Jesus and Russell stick the pills in their poopers, the remaining Jesuses take them orally.

Drunk Jesus: Let’s Fucking Jam!

Two hours later Russell Brand is still rubbing his nipples, Drunk Jesus is licking his cymbal, Boss Jesus is playing the intro to Thunderstruck, Black Jesus is dancing in a most primitive manner with Earthy Female Jesus, Stoner Jesus is listening to Mars Volta on his Ipod, Depressed Jesus is feeling kinda happy, and Closet Case Jesus is making out with Gay Jesus.

Drunk Jesus: Hey everybody!  Look!  Closet Case Jesus is kissing Gay Jesus!

Black Jesus: Well I’ll be damned, it’s true.

Russell Brand: My nipples feel so good right now.  Do anyone’s nipples feel really good?  Like- I mean really good.

Closet Case Jesus: Guys, I have something to say.  I’m gay.  There.  I said it.  I am a homosexual.  I’ve been hiding all this time- for no good reason.  But now, on this day, rolling balls, I feel open.  Totally and completely open.  I don’t know what I was afraid of all this time.  It’s silly.  We can all be okay.  We’re Jesuses.  We love each other no matter what.  Black, white, woman, man- it doesn’t matter.  And yes, my nipples feel fucking great.

Black Jesus: Well hot dam.  We knew you were gay, and that’s okay.  We’re the Jesuses.  We preach love and acceptance and shit.  You feel me?

Drunk Jesus: Yeah!

Russell Brand: I think you all should group hug.  I would, but I can’t get up, me nipples feel too good.

All Jesuses: GROUP HUG!

They have a slow and meaningful group hug.

Boss Jesus: Guys, we have a problem.

Closet Case Jesus: What, I can’t marry Gay Jesus?  We have to move to New Hampshire?

Boss Jesus: No, now that you’re openly gay, you’re not Closet Case Jesus anymore.  We already have a Gay Jesus.

Closet Case Jesus: But it’s just a name, I’m still the same Jesus.  You all know that.  Why can’t I…

Boss Jesus: Look!  I don’t make the rules.  It’s in the book. You all know that.  I wish it wasn’t this way, I really do.

Closet Case Jesus: Well, what are the rules?

Boss Jesus: I’m afraid you’re going to have to leave.

Closet Case Jesus: It’s not fair!

Gay Jesus: But I love him!  I always have!  I always will!

Black Jesus: He makes all our meals!  No one handles goat cheese like he does.  Please!  Don’t send him away!

Boss Jesus: Life isn’t fair!  Look, if it’s such a big deal, call dad!

Black Jesus: Oh Snap!  He did not!

Closet Case Jesus:  Fine!  I will.

Closet Case Jesus dials his father

Dad?

I’m coming upstairs

…to be continued…


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