In Which The Jesuses Try To Have Band Practice, But Get Interrupted By Russell Brand, Part I

Black Jesus: Aight, let’s get this jam started.  Yall get my email with those Stevie Wonder charts?

Closet Case Jesus: Yes!  You know I just love Stevie Wonder. Sunshine of my love!  It’s so relaxing and sensual.  Just makes me want to climb into a bubble bath with a big black…


Black Jesus: You listen here Drunk Jesus, we’re trying to have band practice in here.  I ain’t gone have none of yo tom ass foolery up in here today.  We’re gonna start a band.

Drunk Jesus: OH FUCK YEAH!  ROCK N ROLL!  DERKA DERK!  WOWOWO (guitar noises?) WAH WAH WAH!!!!  Yall know any ZZTOP??!!?  I used to a fuckin roadie for ZZTOP.  WOWAWEWA THE PUSSY AND WEED BACK THEN MAN!

Stoner Jesus: Hey man, cool it.  Can’t you see we’re trying to jam here?  Your drunk energy is upsetting our grooves.

Black Jesus: Hey Stoner Jesus, you wouldn’t happen to have any… you know… I mean… it’s a jam session, right?

Stoner Jesus: You bet!

Stoner Jesus and Black Jesus rip the bong while Drunk Jesus continues to make strange noises and air-shred his invisible axe.  Boss Jesus comes in.

Boss Jesus: Hey, what’s goin on in here?  It smells like a Snoop Dog concert in here.

Black Jesus: Oh man, we’re jammin.  We’re gonna start a band.

Boss Jesus: What’s the band name?


Black Jesus: Jesus fuckin Christ man, would you shut the fuck up?  What’d you say boss?

Boss Jesus: Band name?

Depressed Jesus: The Useless December

Gay Jesus: Something about Princesses


Russell Brand enters

Boss Jesus: Excuse me, can I help you?

Russell Brand: Ya, righto mate.  I was strollin by and I heard you jellies talkin bout rock n roll.  Thought I’d pop me head in- peep the pod, y’know mate?

Boss Jesus: And who might you be?

Russell Brand: Russell brand

Russell Brand?

Russell fucking Brand? Star of Get Him to the Greek?  Forgetting Sarah Marshall?

The Jesuses scratch their heads.

Boss Jesus: Doesn’t ring a bell.

Russell Brand: Well crickey!  Perhaps then you’d seen mah stand up?  Iz gots a special on the Netflix. You know, the inter-tele?

Boss Jesus: Huh…

Depressed Jesus: Oh yeah, I saw that.

Russell Brand: Now we’re talkin chaps!

Depressed Jesus: It was fucking terrible.

Russell Brand: Well shit, so much for hospitality.  Say, you guys look awfully familiar.  Have we met?

All Jesuses: Name’s Jesus Christ.

Russell Brand: Jesus Froggin Christ, there really is a Jesus.

Boss Jesus: Not just one, but many.

Russell Brand: I thought I was famous, you guys are like… really fuckin famous.

Black Jesus: Some more than others.

White Jesus: Hey whatever man, I’ve got a good agent.

Boss Jesus: Mr. Brand, how did you get in here?  I was under the impression that the Christ Castle was impenetrable by outsiders.

Russell Brand: It must be my beard.  People oft tell me I’ve got a Jesus thing goin on with me beard and crazy hair- y’know?

Closet Case Jesus: I like it, it’s a good look.

Black Jesus: Of course it’s a good look, we all look like that, for the most part, I mean, I’m black and all…

Russell: I see you all have instruments.  Do youse chaps have a band?

All Jesuses: Yeah

Russell Brand: What’s the band name?

Gay Jesus: Pony Patrol!

Stoner Jesus: Dreamcatcher!

Metal Jesus: River of Sorrow!  Or blood… either or!

Youth Pastor Jesus: The Long Way Home!

Earthy Female Jesus: The Moon River Toads!

Russell Brand: Oil-Right Oil-Right!  No needta settle on jist one name.  That part comes later, like the bubbly, and the tits, and the cocaine.

Drunk Jesus: TITS!  TITS!  COCAINE!

Drunk Jesus and Metal Jesus: TITS!  TITS!  COCAINE!


To be continued…

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