Focus On Health: Vanity

As part of our continually expanding community service programs, I will be hosting a workshop on vanity at the University of Learning’s Van Morrison Hall tomorrow night.

For years people have wrongfully repressed the vain and self-absorbed tendencies in their souls.  It’s time to free the outer beauty within you!

The workshop will cover:

-Critical reflection of our bodies. There’s a reason you aren’t happy when you look in the mirror and see 12 years of mashed potatoes stored in your thighs.  Learn to hate yourself, self-acceptance never made anyone go to the gym.

-Why being beautiful is important. Studies show that being attractive makes life much more enjoyable.  You’ll be treated better by co-workers and peers, you’ll probably get paid more, and people are 50% more likely to post pictures of you on the internet after you die.

-Plastic surgery. Was God just having a bad day when he met you?  It happens, it’s okay.  Some people are just really ugly.  Luckily, God made plastic surgeons to fix those people.

-Poses. Everybody can be a lot cooler if they just learn to sit and walk the right way.  Do you have an annoying quirk?  We can help you get rid of it so you can fit in with the other cool, beautiful people in the world.

-Introduction to arrogance. Once you’re pretty, you’ll need a serious attitude to go with your fantastic looks.  A lot of people don’t know that arrogance can be learned.  We guarantee that by the end of the workshop, you’ll know you’re the shit.

Cost is only $100 dollars, attendees will receive a copy of my books Stop Being a Fucking Loser and Learning to Like Cool Things: a Beginner’s Guide.

Please dress in clothes that don’t make you look gross.  Ladies, you should probably wear a lot of makeup.

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