Guide to Jazz

It is well known that the shape of junk to come likes to judge things prematurely, and that it knows more about jazz than you do. In an effort to make everyone’s lives easier, here’s our guide to people based upon which jazz cd they have in their car/room/etc.

Miles Davis- Probably a photography major who dapples in pot-smoking.  Every once in a while, you like to hang out with your friends and enjoy the rich world of jazz by smoking a joint and listening to Kind of Blue. No need to delve deeper, your friends know you’re into jazz now.  You probably like to jam, and by that I mean play instruments you don’t know how to with your other friends who don’t know how to play music.

Bill Evans- Quiet in school, trouble expressing yourself, you dream only of winter wonderlands where nobody gets to skate because of that one time the young boy fell through the ice.  The cool kids like to call you names.  You actually are the coolest, but you’ll only realize it during the final seconds before you overdose.  At least your beautiful tortured existence is over now.

Charles Mingus- You probably have dreams where you hang out with mythical beings and end up having an orgy with all of your ex-girlfriends.  You know that pretty things are for gays and poets.  You’re also probably likely to get really drunk with me and roll around on the floor listening to Mingus and cursing the night sky, lost love, and mulatto girls.  In case you were wondering, yes- you are better than the rest.

Chris Botti- is not jazz.  But you are still a housewife.

Antonio Carlos Jobim- You, like me, think that heaven is place where pina coladas are served on the behinds of Brazilian women.  Your understanding of harmony is extraordinary.  You have little time for white people who play bossa nova.

Chet Baker- I know it hurts when someone you love leaves, but sitting in the parking lot listening to Chet Baker and crying really is the only way to get over it.

Django- You are french, really smelly, and only play Django licks, but shit- you’re probably better than me at guitar.

Harry Connick Jr- You are a beautiful 35 yr old woman who works at the art museum and hangs out at cool bars.  In my dreams I buy you a drink.

Jaco Pastorius- You are that annoying bass player in my life I can never seem to get rid off.  You will die one day when I strangle you with a guitar string because that’s what bass players like you make me want to do.

Chick Corea- You are 50, pretty fat, wear tight shirts, have long hair.  You dream only of the good ol’ days when you could pick up chicks at piano bars with smooth licks and cocaine.

Nat King Cole Trio- I mean trio, not the orchestra stuff, so make sure you’re in the right catagory.  Because I don’t want to say you have good taste if you don’t.  You know what?  Forget it.

Pat Metheny- You’re probably a 40-50 year old male.  That’s all I’ve got.

Sun Ra- You don’t like much jazz, but you swear the noise scene isn’t dead.

Stan Getz- It really is too bad that you aren’t in a black and white movie where everyone just so happens to say clever things.  You can think of lots of adjectives to describe Stan’s smooth, sensual sound.  You wonder why everyone just… can’t… be…

Thelonious Monk- You are A) an art student who just digs it cuz it’s out there, man.  OR  B) You don’t see how anybody couldn’t get it.  You also talk to your cats, write poems to your Percocet prescription, and only masturbate in the moonlight.

Art Blakey- You are probably my drummer.

Mahavishnu Orchestra- You will tell me multiple times how much better the acid was in LA.

  1. I’m laughing and wondering just how on on target these observations might be. Thanks.

  2. I just found an art blakey and the jazz messengers CD at work and I’ve been listening to it in my car. You’re wierd and/or Satan.

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