More Of My Novels

“You did what?!”  The conductor furiously mashed his sweaty palms together.  “Not only are you not an old woman, but you also murdered a young boy on my train.  You are in serious trouble Mr. Toad.”

“I’m sorry,” Mr. Toad said, “I was in the sex trade.  I’ve got some serious subconscious issues to work out.  I won’t kill anyone else on board this train.”

“I would hope not… I feel sick.”  The conductor vomited a little bit.  Mr. Toad wiped off a little vomit dribble that was left on the conductor’s chin.  “I suppose you can hide in the coal room for now, but as soon as we get to our destination, I’m going to have to turn you in.”

“I understand,” said Mr. Toad.  The conductor led Mr. Toad into the coal room and gave him a shovel.

“Let’s shovel some coal.  We might as well get to know each other.  You say you were in the sex trade?  What’s that all about?”

Mr. Toad thought for a moment.  “Well, I was engineered by a dark wizard in London who wanted me only for his pleasure.  I started an affair with his daughter Clarissa, but then he grew tired of me and kicked me out because he was going to use the room for his new snakes that he’s designing.  I was about to leave but Clarissa offered me noodles and mescal so I stayed for a moment.  Clarissa and I began to make love one last time when the mean old wizard heard us and barged in the room.  He cast a spell that removed my penis, but Clarissa is a witch and subdued him with her own spell.  She dressed me as an old woman and sent me off.  I’m kinda just wandering now.”

“My my my- that is quite a tale.”

“You don’t know any wizards, perchance, do you?  I would really like to find a powerful magician who can restore my penis.”

The conductor thought long and hard.  “I don’t, but legend has it that in the woods nearby there is a fox wizard who is a powerful sorcerer.”

“Thanks for the tip!  See you in hell bro.”  Mr. Toad leapt out the side of the car and ran off into the woods.

“Hey! You won’t get away with this… Goddam Toad!”


Mr. Toad wandered through the forest aimlessly.  He tried to deduce a sense of direction using water and a leaf, but he couldn’t figure it out.  All of a sudden, Mr. Toad heard a strange noise in the bushes.  He peeked his head out and saw a fox, he approached the fox.  “Are you the great fox wizard of these woods?”

“Why of course I am.  What can I do for you?”

“Well… I was the slave of a dark wizard who caught me banging his daughter and he removed my penis.  Can you restore it?”

“Do you have it with you?”

“Yes, here you are.”

“Well, I suppose I can help you, but what will the toad do for his new penis?  What sort of work do you do?”

“Well, I’m trained as a sex slave..”

“Well-little toad… I’m sure we can work something out.”

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