In Which the Jesuses Discover the True Nature of Zen

Boss Jesus: Hello, I want to welcome you all to our December institute, I know everyone’s excited for our birthdays this month so we’ll try and make this fun.

Drunk Jesus: WOOOO!  Birthdayz!

Boss Jesus: Yes, as I said, we are all excited for our birthdays.

Depressed Jesus: Not me, I’m like 2,000 years old.  I hate life.  I hate birthdays because they celebrate life.  All I want Christmas is some Oxycontin and beer.

Santa Jesus: That’s good to know, I’ll put that down on your list.

Drunk Jesus: I want beer too!  And shiyuttt, I wouldn’t some of dem pillz dawg!  Knawmean?

Boss Jesus: AHEM.  If we could all calm down, direct our attention forward.  Forward! At me… I’m looking at you distracted Jesus.

Distracted Jesus: Huh?

Boss Jesus: Pay Attention!

Distracted Jesus: Oh sorry, I was, wait what?

Boss Jesus: Okay, moving on I have a very special guest for us today.  He, like us, is a renowned religious figure in the world and I think he could do us a lot of good.  It’s the holidays, lots of stress, I think we all need to learn to relax.  Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Bhudda.

Light clapping, with the exception of Drunk Jesus who seems very enthusiastic

Bhudda: Hello, I am Bhudda, but did you know we are all bhudda?

Drunk Jesus: Nah man!  I’m Jesus

Bhudda: Yes, but you are also Bhudda, as in the way I am Jesus too.

Drunk Jesus: But you can’t be Jesus, you’re Chinese!

Asian Jesus: Hey!  Lay off!

Drunk Jesus: We are all one another in the great root stem of the tree. I want to tell you a story about a tree. There once was a tree, a monk, and a grain of wheat. The grain of wheat…

Gay Jesus: Cheesus Christ this boring.

Black Jesus: Hot Dawn! Did someone say cheese? You know I love me some cheese!

Gay Jesus: No, I said Cheesus Christ, it’s like a cute way of saying Jesus Christ when you’re bored, appalled, or whatever.

Black: Well shit, I am disappointed.

Bhudda: To be disappointed is to experience only one side of the grain of wheat. With laughter comes frowns, with the moon comes the sun. It is all part of the great sphere of-

Cheesus Christ: DID SOMEONE SAY CHEESUS? OH. YEAH!

Drunk Jesus: Holy shit! Cheesus Christ?

Cheesus Christ: In the flesh, the soft mellow flesh. I am aged to perfection. My rich texture and flavor is of a higher power.

Black Jesus: That’s some badass shit man.

Cheesus Christ: Come, take a piece of my flesh and experience the velvety goodness that is my holy spirit soul.

Drunk Jesus: You got any crackers?

Cheesus Christ: Of course.

Drunk Jesus takes a cracker and dips it into Cheesus Christ’s chest

Drunk Jesus: Well holy shit this is good. You really are a Cheesus Christ. God fucking dammit that’s good cheese.

Cheesus Christ: Of course it is, I am aged by the almighty God himself. Come Black Jesus, eat from my stomach.

Boss Jesus: Can everybody just slow down here? We’re supposed to be listening to the Bhudda talk.

Black Jesus: Man, fuck that shit. Imma get my cheese on.

Cheesus Christ: Come one, come all, devour me and fill yourself with God.

Everyone including the Bhudda descends on Cheesus Christ and slowly devours his body. 20 minutes later, they lay on the ground completely stuffed.

Black Jesus: God Dam that was good.

Drunk Jesus: I never had me some holy cheese before.

Depressed Jesus: Maybe life isn’t so bad after all, sometimes it takes some good cheese to prove otherwise.

Bhudda: Now we are all Cheesus, and thus we are all Jesus, and all Bhudda, for the universe is one.

Drunk Jesus: Huh?

Bhudda: And thus you have discovered the true nature of zen. Namuste.

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  1. Your Jesus posts make me hungry for some reason.

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