I Found Your Diary, Vol I


Today was a good day.  I had some cinnamon rolls that were just to die for, oh my lord.  I know I should be cuttin down or what not, but what’s the point of livin if you can’t have cinnabuns?  Am I right?  Work was good today, I like the way I did my hair, I felt like I’ll bet everyone’s just lookin at like “oh my god, we love his hair.  And his new shoes!”  I got new shoes yesterday, they are amazing.  My feet don’t hurt no more!  Every mornin’ like last week when I was walkin to the Cinnabun, it was just oh my god my feet hurt.


I’m glad I have a personal relation with our Lord.  He brings me strength.  Just like my shoes!  Oh my god!  I think I want to take dance classes?  Am I too fat?  Can fat people take dance classes too?  I wonder if my new shoes would help.  I’ll bet they would.  They look so nice.


Things I Like: Cinnabun, sunsets, pretty dresses, soaps that smell good, pretty music, shoes, god, flowers, my wife, my children
Things I don’t like: Mean People, Dogs (I’m a cat person!  I must confess!  I love kitties!), Racoons, War, stuff like that.


I met the nicest man today at church today.  He’s tall and looks strong and has great hair, just like me!  His wife’s allright, but ohmygod his kids are just to die for.  I just wanna wrap em up in cinnamon rolls and eat them right up!  JK!  I’m just bein’ crazay!  Anyway, he invited me over for cinnamon rolls tomorrow!  Wohoo!  It’ll be nice to enjoy the company of another normal straight man!  You know?  No wife, kids, whatever!  Let’s talk about sports!  And hair products!


I just home from hanging out with the mystery man!  It was so nice!  We just chilled out on the couch, did man stuff!  Oh my god, we talked football and stuff.  We listened to this AmAzInG Michael Buble album, drank an amazing (like to die for) cab, then we told eachother about our dreams and looked them up in his dream book.  I really like his hair, It’s like a dark brown ocean filled like vanilla beans and honey.  He let me touch it, it was so soft!  Oh my god, like I use so much product and I can never get it that smooth, but oh god it was so nice.  He seemed tense so I offered to give him a massage, but then I spilled my wine on his shirt!  Oh my god!  I’m so clumsy.  He took off his shirt and I gave him the massage, oh lord it was nice.  As I massaged his big muscalar shoulders I felt like my grandmother, tenderly massaging the meat of a lamb in our ancestral hometown in Greece.  I like thinking about stuff like that.  Oh Jeez!  Anyway, I was rubbin his lower back and he was like do you mind using some of these oils I have?  Your hands are dry!  Hands are dry?!?  Oh my god!  I can’t believe I had dry hands!  I always moisturize!  Anyways we used the oils and stuff and had a great time talking sports and doin’ man stuff.  We’re gonna hang out tomorrow again!  I am so excited!


Dear Diary, why does everyone has to be crazy?  My new friend?!?  Turns out he’s gay!  He tried to kiss me tonight.  I was givin’ him another massage and we were listening to Sting and he just straight up tried to kiss me.  I can’t believe I massaged a homosexual’s muscular torso and listened to Sting with him.  I am at a loss diary!  Why does everyone have to be so crazy?  Why can’t people be normal?  Normal, like me?

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