Interviews with Questionable Artists Series, Tea Party Edition

Hello and welcome back to interviews with questionable artists. I’m your host, Woe Jozney, and today you are in for a treat. Two years ago Don Wood was an ordinary man, you might even say he fell under the category of “folks.”  That was before Obamacare and the surge of enthusiasm felt by the independent movement known as the Tea Party. The pressures on Don’s freedom drove him to leave his career as a realtor and take up abstract art in the name of the Tea Party, freedom, and “doin’ wuts jist plain right.” Don is the only known Tea-Party-Artist in the world. I should say in the United States because I doubt there is much support for the movement abroad, but he still remains the only artist affiliated with the Tea Party to this day. Welcome Don.

Don: It’s good to be here Woe. Thanks for having me. I’m sorry I was late, I was takin the local bible kids on a hay ride for my church. Tis the season. Right?

WJ: Of course. So tell me Don, you were an ordinary man, common folk, small town type. How is that that you found a career in modern art after 57 years of normal “folk” life?

Don: Well, it’s a funny story. So it’s like two years ago. I’m sittin on the couch with my wife and our two daughters. I’m just hangin out, eatin some Doritos and drinkin a Budweiser watchin Fox News and O’Reilly was on there talkin about Barack and stuff. He was gettin madder and madder, so I was gettin madder and madder too. I got so frustrated I crushed that Budweiser can right there in my hands and I said to my wife, “Honey! We gots to do somethin about this muslim before he has some mexican come in and take our furniture and sell it for dope money as part of his legally mandated health care plan prescribed by the socialist government the liberal voters have forced us to live in. What are we gonna do?” My wife got as mad as me and as mad as O’Reilly and we were just, oh my gawd, it was like I gotta go do somethin about this. Then that wonderful woman came along. Palin, she’s just so beautiful, so well spoken, so smart. Like, if my daughters could grow up to be anythin in this world, I hope they’d grow up to be Sarah Palins. What was the question?

WJ: The question was how, immersed in this feeling, did you arrive at modern art as a way of expressing your feelings?

Don: Oh right, well so Sarah Palin was tellin us bout all these rallies and what not, so I rounded up the troops and said, “We gotta do somethin yall. This country ain’t gonna save itself.” We just went headfirst into this Tea Party thing and it was just amazing. I’d never felt so alive. Now, don’t get me wrong, I ain’t no art fag er nothin, but I used to draw in high school and do fairly convincing representations of the human form, so I thought of doin this fundraiser where I’d draw these pictures of my fellow Tea Partiers and sellin them to send all the money to the Tea Party. I’d like draw their face and get some kinda flag in the background, maybe some clouds and an eagle. It was real good. You know? I was doin my part. It felt so good to contribute to this cause.

WJ: You are not known for your portraits, Don. You are known for your abstract works. Can we talk about “Red, White, Blue,” your piece currently on display at MOMA?

Don: Okay. I was doin these portraits and like, I dunno, I felt like it wasn’t enough. I felt like I was sittin in the middle of the road. One night Hannity was talkin bout purity and abstinence- I had a vision. I mean don’t get me wrong, I ain’t no weirdo, but I did have a vision. In the vision I saw the colors red, white, and blue man. Right before my eyes.  I tried to ignore the vision and just go to bed, but I couldn’t.  I just had to do it. I made a little mockup, got my wife to order the fabric, build the canvases- all the sudden, “Red, White, Blue” was born. I don’t know a whole lot about art, I mean I’m into the dogs playin poker thing, but you know for once I felt the calling of an artist.

WJ: And how did that feel?

Don: Weird. Real weird. I’m a simple man, you know? I go to work, love my kids, go to church. Most of the artists I’ve met in my life were, you know, turtleneck fag types. I don’t wear turtlenecks and I sure don’t love other men. So yeah, it was weird. I had some doubts, but at the same time, I think my alignment with the Tea Party and their ideals kinda gave it some worth. If I’m an artist expressin myself and paintin dicks or blobs, that’s some dumb shit, you know? But if I’m out there creatin works of art that make me people think about what it means to be an American, well fuck yeah brother.

WJ: What do you see in the future?

Don: A Christian nation, united under the values of God, and all that is good.

WJ: What inspires you?

Don: Well I already said the wonderful Mrs. Palin. Um… My kids, Christ, talk radio, uhhhh, my dogs, my wife, stuff like that, Ronald Raegan.

WJ: Where do you see Tea Party art 10 years from now?

Don: Well, the way I see it. I think once we the people really get our say in an election, we’re gonna get someone who really represents us- the folks- normal people. I think a new awakening of art may come, no more goatee mac lovin people who talk about “design” but just normal folks paintin eagles, flags, stuff like that. I think the future is bright. I’m doing what I can, I trust that others are doin the same.

WJ: What are you currently working on?

Don: Well. I’m currently working on a play. I’m not usually into theater or anything, cuz those kids were all gay in high school, but I think what I need to say needs to come from a certain place that might be theater. It’s called 9/11 Two and it’s about a second 9/11, that I pray don’t happen, but anyways all the hippies, muslims, and whatever realize they were wrong and Christ comes back to save us. It’s my first play, but I think it’s a masterpiece already.

WJ: I can’t wait to see it.

Don: Could you scoot your chair back a bit? You’re a kinda leanin’ in to me, I mean it’s cool and all, but I feel like you’re gonna touch my arm or… I mean you ain’t a gay, are you?

WJ: No I have a beautiful girlfriend I love very much.  We have heterosexual intercourse quite often.

Don: Okay, well allright. Just scoot a bit, you know? Sorry.

WJ: It’s okay.

Don: Anyway, where were we?

To be continued

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