Dave, a Guy Who Cooks Crank, Proposes to his Beautiful Fiance

He looked across the table. He watched her fingers skate around her glass of wine -again and again, until they finally found their way to her lips. Her fingertips traced the lines of her smile and he forgot about everything else in the world. The lab, his dog, the lab. His hand reached out, waiting for hers. When it came, his face was flushed. Her soft skin gave him courage, “Darling. I don’t know what I’d do without you. The things you’ve done for me are, indescribable. I wish I knew how to thank you. You’re my, you’re like my anchor.”

Her hands massaged his forearms. “You’re so sweet Dave. You know, you never have to thank me. I love you. Just promise you’ll love me forever, promise me that.”

He had never felt so good. “You know what Christine? I will promise. I don’t there think there’s anything else I’d be more proud of in my life than as to promise you, forever and ever, to be mine. What I’m tryin’ to say baby is- Chistine, Will you do me- the honor?”

His knee had not yet reached the ground but she jumped out of her chair and pounced on her lover. They fell together, arms intertwined. “Oh Dave! Of course I’ll marry you!” They kissed for what seemed like hours and some people at the table next to them felt annoyed, but most thought it was nice. When their passionate embrace had ended, he helped his bride up. She pulled her hair back behind her ears and looked deep into his eyes. “Oh Dave, this is so wonderful! I just can’t belie—-”

“SHHHH” He covered her mouth.

“What’s wrong baby?”

“I said SHHHH. Do you hear that?

“Hear what honey pie?”

“No, you’re not listening! Don’t you hear? You gotta listen, are you listening?”

“Davey! I am listening!”

“Shut the fuck up! They’ll hear us!”

“Who’ll hear us Davey poo?”

“The fuckin’ ants, Christine! The fuckin’ ants!”

“What are you talking about??!?!?!”

“I can hear them. Thousands of them. Little boats full of ant legs spilling out over a tin roof. Pitta Pitta clakclakclak. Legs, Legs, Legs everywhere. They’re headed this way, I know it. Here get under this table.” He pulled his bride to be under the restaurant table. He covered her mouth. “Look baby, yer gonna have to be real quiet now or else they’re gonna find us, and when they find us, it won’t be pretty. I’ve dealt with ants before. I’ve talked to them. They’re not down with weddings, love, none of that shit. All they want is flesh, our flesh, our fucking flesh! Fuckin trust me!”

Christine begins to weep, “Okay… Okay… I’ll be quiet. Dave… I just want to…”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! I can hear them… they’re near. I can smell them. Can you? Do you know what 10,000 ants smell like Christine? Do you know? These aren’t normal ants Christine. These ants know my name. They know my habits, they know where I work, they fucking know what I TIVO, OKAY? They knew I’d be here tonight. I fucking knew it. We can’t fuck around baby. Let me think… if I could start a fire, maybe we could make a run for it and jump into the lake 2 miles down. No, that’s too far. You got any ideas baby?”

Still sobbing, Christine said, “Uhh… We just go back and eat our dinner? There aren’t any ants bab-”

“Holy Shit! Did you feel that? I fuckin’ felt that. God dam they’re here, I know it. They’re ready, they want flesh. You gotta move your legs, up and down, real quick, they always go in through your kneecaps and then they find their way to the brain. I know their ways baby. You gotta fuckin’ trust me!”


“AHHHHH! I can feel it! He’s in my heart! He’s gonna eat my aortas! Baby! Here, take it!” He gave Christine a steak knife. “You gotta cut it out! You gotta do it!” He ripped his suit and shirt open chest. “CUT IT OUTTTT!”



Christine’s hands shook as she raised the steak knife. She looked into her crank cooking husband’s eyes and thought about the time she caught him fucking his sister. And the time she caught him fucking his dog. And the time she caught him fucking the peanut butter. But she also thought about the time he brought her camping, with just him and his bastard children. And the time they made love on a paddleboat in the Mississippi River. And the time he gave up cooking crank for the 3rd time just to be with her. And the time 5 minutes earlier when he proposed to her. “Davey! I Love You!” Her heart broke in two as she plunged the knife deep into his chest. He made a serious of unintelligible sounds and fell back, dead. The ants crawled out of the gaping wound. They promised to never bother her again. Covered in the blood from her lover’s heart. She weeped.

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