In Which the Jesuses Discuss Workflow

Boss Jesus: Welcome Jesuses, I hope you all had a great weekend.  We’ve got a busy quarter ahead of us.  There’s plenty of Jesusing to be done.  I don’t know if any of you got the email, but we’ve had a number of complaints about miracles lately.  I think Drunk Jesus can shed some light on that.

Drunk Jesus: UmmUrrYeah, well I am was looking at uh the thing, you know, but what can I say?  I turn wine into wine, am I right?

Boss Jesus: Well you see that’s a problem.  Water into wine was effective, but wine into way more wine doesn’t really do much for the church.  It’s our 2000th year here and we all need to think about growth.  We have a chance to…

Drunk Jesus: Speaking urf wine, I didnut see wine in the fridgey.  I wash wonderling if yoush guys know where it’s at.

Fundamentalist Jesus: I threw it out, because it’s impure, we’re in the business of being Jesus.  I think we all need to take this a bit more seriously you guys…

Drunk Jesus: Schlerious? Schlllllerrrrious?  Schlerious like your face, you look like cry all day, wahh wahh.  Bible this bible that… I’ll have you know I wrotedah bible!

Regular Jesus: We all wrote the Bible.  So please, everyone be quiet!

Gay Jesus: Nuhhh uhhhhh!  If I was there I woulda put wayyy more like nice things about, you know, the gay thing.  You guys sent me to that conference for a reason that weekend.  Yall were prolly all like, don’t let gay Jesus be here, he’ll be all gay, and like we don’t like gay people because we’re a bunch of…

Drunk Jesus: Juss shuddahellup hey man, I don’t currr, it’s whatever, it’s like whatever, you know?  There’s tons of gay Jesuses…. One time I made out with Closet Case Jesus.  I mean I don’t give a shit but I’m no gay, he wash all likey whisper in my ear and shit.

Closet Case Jesus: It’s not true!

Drunk Jesus: Whatever man, you whispered in my ear and shit, I remember.  At least, I think I remember, actually I don’t know if I remember.  I thinkeyed member if I member…  enyfuckz, whatever man it’s all cool… Love thy something, am I right?

Regular Jesus: Neighbor!  Love thy neighbor.  Now, can me move on please?  We all know Closet Case Jesus is gay, but we don’t care.

Fundamentalist Jesus: I do!  It’s just not right to…

Closet Case Jesus: It’s not true!

Regular Jesus: Look, we’re here to get some work done.  Flow Chart Jesus has made us a lovely diagram of what I think is a really clever way to streamline our holy reporting functions, miracle training, and newsletter formatting.  Flow Chart Jesus?

Flow Chart Jesus: Alright guys if you look at the first triangle on the left you’ll see our dad, the all powerful God.  His holy messages are transported to us through the hyperspeed holy highway, which will be represented by the dotted red line.  It’s not to be confused with the dotted black line, which represents our web application pipeline.  So the red dotted line goes outwards towards level 1 Jesuses, who will write basic reports to via the dotted black line to the level Jesuses, but… If you look at the dotted green line, that represents a feedback response of holiness that…

Drunk Jesus: LAWLLARGHHH! Stoppppppp.  I can’t take it.  I’m dizzy.  It’s the lines- red, purple, whatever man.  I curnt turk eet.  I need wine.  Is there some in the fridge?

Fundamental Jesus: No, I threw it all out- don’t you remember?  We went over this like 2 minutes ago.  Can we continue?

Closet Case Jesus: Actually I think some wine would be nice.  I’ve got some 9 grain crackers and Altemburger cheese.  It’s a mellow but flavorful goat cheese that I think would go great with a cab.  I mean, it’s a meeting, we might as well relax right?

Black Jesus: I love me some goat cheese.  I think he’s got a point Flow Chart Jesus.  All these lines and shit don’t mean nothing without a lil’ cheese and wine.  Am I right?  Yall’ remember them good ol’ days?  Wasn’t no power points, email, fuckin’ multi-line phones.  Just us, wearing sandals and sheets.  Walkin’ around spreadin’ the good word of our lord, knaw’ mean?

Drunk Jesus: FukYeahhh mah brothah… I’m down man.  Cheese!  Cheese!

Drunk Jesus and Black Jesus: Cheese! Wine!  Wine and Cheese!  Cheese! Wine!  Wine and Cheese! Cheese! Wine!  Wine and Cheese!

Closet Case Jesus, Drunk Jesus, Black Jesus: Cheesey Cheese!  Winey Wine! We love Wine and Cheese!  Woooo!  Cheesey Cheese!  Winey Wine! We love Wine and Cheese!  Woooo!

(IT Jesus walks in the room)

IT Jesus: Hey guys, it’s uhhh… IT Jesus, got the help-desk thing, something about… uhhh network permissions for Drunk Jesus?

Drunk Jesus: Fuckyeah, that’s all me man.  Saydawg, you got wine, or cheese, or wine and cheese?

IT Jesus: Nah I’m just the IT Jesus, I just fix your email and wear cool hats I bought from target and have a soul patch.

Drunk Jesus: UrrrrrUhhhUmmmm

IT Jesus: So, network permissions?

Drunk Jesus: Yeah!  That’s right I can’t geton to my sites meng.  I wers all like ice wanna go on amazon and buy a foot massager or some wine, I can’t rember which but member I was thinking wine but I also want a foot massager  but then like, I had to go down the street and buy wine and when I got back there was this message box thingy and it was all like, something about passwords.

IT Jesus: Hmmm… Well, login in real quick here on this laptop I brought.

Regular Jesus: Look- we’re having a meeting and it’s already been thouroughly derailed by a number of Jesuses.  Can this wait?  We’ll be out in half an hour, I promise.

IT Jesus: Well I dunnah man, I’m like 3 floors up and it’s my lunch break so, let’s just…

Regular Jesus: Alright, fine- go right ahead.

IT Jesus: Okay Drunk Jesus I just need your username and password.

Drunk Jesus: Uhhh… drunk jesus… password… uhhh… shit.  Fuck, I knew it earlier.  Shit man, hold on.  Wine, Lizardking4, no… uhhhh, fuck, I’m sorry man.  Wait… no nevermind, I dunnah man.

IT Jesus: Well, I’ll hit you with an e-mail in a couple minutes.  Sall’ good bro (rubs soul patch.)

Drunk Jesus: Oh F-U-C-K

(Drunk Jesus vomits all over the keyboard.  Closet Case Jesus is upset and makes a womanly gesture and runs out of the room.)

Regular Jesus: Jesus fuckin Christ…

Black Jesus: So are we still getting goat cheese?

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