Ten Ways to Stay Warm

It’s officially winter yall’- I’ve got my furry sweater on and I’m cuddled up on the couch listening to the gentle sounds of rain and my roommate’s dog licking his own balls.  Let’s talk warmth game plan.

10- Wear Warm Clothes

For the bros: t-shirts and shorts won’t cut it now, I reccomend upgrading to long sleeve t-shirts and wearing tights under your cargo shorts.

For the ladies: you don’t want to start wearing jeans and covering up your legs and stuff, so wear a scarf or something.

9- Sex

Feeling cold and lonely?  Grab your lover and take a trip to the bone zone.  You’ll generate some serious heat.  No need to hide under the blankets when you’re covered in the flesh-sheet that is your lover’s skin.

8- Drinking

Everyone loves to tell you how much they love whiskey in the winter, but I recommend drinking anything- listerine, beer, mike’s hardz.  Drinking in general helps you stay (feel) warm.  Brave the cold and party all night.  Be wary of hypothermia and frostbite.

7- Burning Stuff

No matter where you are, you can always light stuff on fire.  Check with your local law enforcement office to make sure you’re not accidently committing arson.  This season’s hottest firewood substitutes include styrofoam, DVDs, and cars.

6- Global Warming

Drive.  As much as you can.  Get those emissions pumping into the atmosphere.  If we’re lucky, we won’t have winters 20 years from now.  People talk like it’s a myth- well I hope not!  I’m talkin spring break in December.  (tyte)

5- Exercise

Kidding- it’s way too cold to go outside and get exercise.  Turn that heater up and munch down on some candy.  Wear lots of layers so people can’t tell you’re getting fatter.

4- Animal Innards

It’s a desperate tactic, but it if it worked in Star Wars it can work for you.

3- Boil Everything

Boiled beer, boiled milk, boiled soda, boiled whatever.  If it’s a liquid boil it.  Feel free to boil solid things in the liquids just to see how it turns out.  It’s wintertime- anything goes.  Am I right?

2- Group Sex

Sex can generate some serious body heat, but group sex can heat an entire apartment.  It’s a great way to meet new people and get fit- just watch out for STDs and gross people.

1- Socks

I spent all day today being like man I don’t wanna wear shoes but my feet are so cold.  What should i do? And god spoke “They’re called socks, wear em’.”  Thanks god.

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