Style: This Week in Nue-Age

Join us this week at the Albus Dumbledore Chapel on W Alabama for a life changing seminar.  I, Woe Jozney, will be unveiling my newest metamagical integral spirit training- the forking path of the right angles.  My method was inspired by a poem I tried to write but never could- much like the path our minds walk through the spirit plane.

Come prepared for the following intinerary:

1) The right angle and its powers.

All the energy in our bodies eminates from what I call lunar centers.  You may know them as joints, such as the knee or elbow.  Thousands of years of yogic experience have proved that the right angle creates the maximum spirit flow through the body.  Other spiritual leaders will try and tell you that 45 or 180 degree angles can accomplish this, trust me, they crazy.

2) Lunar encapsulation

In order to truly release the spirit through the right angles we form, we must be in our lunar state.  Chances are, while you are driving to work or eating dinner, you are operating in a solar state.  The solar state is actually harmful for your body and channels toxins in a horizontal manner through the body.  This horizontal channeling is the cause of cancer, world hunger, and AIDS.  In order to reach our lunar state we use a moon rock.  You may know it by its common name Tylenol PM.  When the source of the lunar state is inside you, the right angle will guide your body and spirit to a new way of being.

3) Self Love

Once you reached your lunar state through use of the moon rock and you have achieved a certain number of right angles, it is time for the real healing to begin.  This process begins with you- with your love- with your self love.  Discovering the self lover within is an integral part of my integral training.  I am not talking about 7th grade sneaking one off in the shower self-love, I am talking about true, infinite, deep, self-love.

4) Bongo Jam

Once we have acheived a heightened state of being through self-love, lunar states, and right angles, we are ready to proceed to the fourth step in the introductory seminar into the integral forking spirit path integral training way.  It is now time for the bongo jam.  Attempting to bongo jam without following the first three steps is incredibly dangerous and could lead to serious spiritual injury.  When I was younger, and not so wise, I nearly destroyed the lower 11 quadrants of spirit hexahedron by bongo jamming with insufficient self-love warmup.

For only $100 dollars and a binding contract to attend the rest of the seminars, you too can reach a plane of integrated spiritual development.  You will also receive a tote bag that includes: 1 audio cassette of me reading a Charles Dickens novel, peanut butter, lettuce, pictures of my family, and packing peanuts.

Dress code: Men must dress as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.  Women must show some skin.

BYOB

Advertisements
  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: