Halloween Party: The Musical, Act III: Scene 1

(Slow, soft, pulsing piano.  Lights come up, Sexy Elf is in the bathroom looking at herself in the mirror.)

Sexy Elf:

Here I am, alone again, I’m talking to myself.
I drink the beer, I wore this dress, I am a sexy elf.
My face is caked in make up
My ass is hanging out
My hair took two hours
I should be making out…

Where’s the boy who’ll tell me
That he thinks I’m cute
Where’s the boy who will do me,
Even if I puke?
I’m drunk enough to do whatever
I don’t really care
I’m drunk enough to get it on
Anybody… anywhere….

(knock on the door)

(spoken) Sorry, I’ll be right out.

I’m not as hot as debra,
But I show way more leg
I’m not as smart of trisha
But I stood up on the keg

(big string crescendo)

So here I go, one more try, before this party ends
I’ll find a boy, show him how, far my legs bend

(lights dim, light come up on stage left, where a couple of dudes wearing all black shirts with ironic signs smoke cigarettes)

Dudes with black t-shirts and ironic signs:

This party sucks
So many sluts
I’m overrrrrr it

This holiday sucks
it really sucks
I’m overrrrr it

Wait what’s that? They’re out of beer?
Yeah I’m over it.
Wait say again? There’s another keg?
I guess I’ll stay a bit.

(lights dim, man in green man costume enters stage left.)

Dude in green man suit:

(has lines but they don’t matter because the green man suit covers his mouth so it sounds like gibberish anyway)

(buff dude who’s dressed as a hooters employee enters holding beer pong equipment)

Hooters Dude:

Look at me everybody
Look at me and smile
Bask in my beer pong skills
I’ll be here for a while

This costume really rules
The chicks they sure dig it
I’m glad I brought that blow tonight
I sure as hell am lit

I hate real transvestites
But I’m wearing a dress
But I’ll do anything to get
My mouth on a breast

God I’m cool
So fucking cool
I’m on cocaine

Did I mention I’m really cool?
God I’m fucking cool

Who wants to sleep with me?
Whooooo….. will it be?
The coolest thing you’ll ever do
Is be seen with me.

(Sexy Elf comes out of the bathroom and sees Buff Hooters Dude. She later contracts clamidia from him.)

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