Style: Halloween Party Tips

Halloween is less than week away and if you’re like millions of other Americans, you want to celebrate all-hallows-eve by inviting people over to the place you live.  As a former warlock and dark neutral paladin, I am an expert at all things magical.  Carving pumpkins is so 400 years ago.  Haunted houses are stupid.  If you want to impress your friends or get some spooky sex next Sunday, you need to up your party game.  So let’s talk game plan.


Skip everything pumpkin and or pie themed- pumpkin pie isn’t really that good and no scantily clad sexy-maid is gonna wanna get down with you after scarfing down a big plate of processed sugar.  Alcohol has calories in it so it kinda counts as food.  Candy is okay, but don’t go overboard.  If you’re truly daring, mix some drugs in the candy bowl- just make sure you make everyone sign a waiver letting them know.  Some of us learned this lesson the hard way.


Pre-packaged board games are okay but if you really want your party to be special you need to invent your own games.  Turn off the power, knock someone out and have a real mystery to solve.  Once the police leave and everything returns to normal, you can tell everyone it was you who knocked out the 17 year old girl and that you’re sorry for doing it and  you’re sorry for thinking she looked 21 and yes, should have checked IDs at the door, but whatever- It’s fucking halloween.  Loosen up you guys.


Witches and warlocks have a long standing tradition of incorporating sex rituals into their magical practices.  A little sex magic never hurt anybody (for the most part, there are a few exceptions).  So whenever the mood feels right and you’re sure everyone’s either drunk or on ecstasy, grab your friend’s girl and kick that party up a notch.  People will be hesitant at first, but you need to explain to them that it’s fucking halloween.  That means it’s totally cool to do things you will regret, because it’s a day designated with a special name that’s not associated with Jesus Christ.  Let them know it will be 2 whole months before they can get belligerently drunk and make mistakes at a New Years party.  It’s fucking halloween!

Crowd Control

Halloween is about two things- sluts and children.  Make sure you have enough sluts at the party and make sure that you are available if a kid knocks on the door so you can give them candy.  Make sure the kids do not come into the house- this can get you into trouble.  Don’t let the sluts see the children, they’ll think they’re cute and want to play with them and things will get weird.  Which reminds me- don’t start the sex rituals till after trick or treating hours are over.

Underage Drinking

Let the kids in but tell them not to drink.  Make sure someone witnesses you saying that for legal purposes.  If they take some mushrooms or whatever that’s not your deal.  You told them not to drink, that makes you a responsible host.

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