Services I’ll be Rendering

Now that I’m more poor than I was last week, I’d like to let my readers know of some great services I offer.

Stick Figure Rendering       $20/Picture

Send me any treasured picture, object, whatever, and I’ll do a detailed stick figure rending of it.  You won’t believe how lifelike these pictures will be.  For any extra $5, I’ll scan it and email it to you!

Advice $50/Conversation under 30 minutes.  $2.00/minute after that

“Oh man, my wife is fuckin this other dude and I’m all like… confused… what would you do?”  Of course I know what to do.  I’ve been college, read some good books, and know how to do some pretty cool stuff.  Anything from how to play Led Zeppelin Riffs, to DIY home repairs.  It’s worth it.

Personal Trainer Sessions        $100/Session

You won’t believe how much you hate your body after a personal training session with me.  Hell no you won’t reach for bacon in the morning, grapefruit it is!  Nothing makes results like intense, violent, negative energy.  My methods are intense, but they might work.

Friend Consultant                 $20/hr   or $250 group workshop on Saturdays and Sundays

I’ll let you know which friends of yours are cool and which ones are lame.  Feel confident in public with a curated friend group.  In just a few hours, I’ll make sure your friends are almost as cool as the group of friends that I have curated for myself.  CAUTION: in a group workshop, even if you’re the one who scheduled it, you may be terminated from the group and asked to leave the session.  Group sessions are for the GOOD OF THE GROUP, anyone is fair game.

Snark Tutoring             $10/HR

How do you feel about Glee? This is really gonna hurt fat kids self esteem when they try to break out into song in school and no back up band comes in and then they get their asses kicked.

What about The Office? Funny?  Yeah maybe like 3 seasons ago.  I don’t even like the British Office. Ugh…

Beach House? What was that?  Sorry even mentioning the words Beach House near me makes me instantly fell asleep.


Babies        $50,000 – $2,000,000 / child (depending on how much I’ve been smoking or drinking the week of conception)

I’ll get my girlfriend pregnant, and in 9 months, you’ll have a child of your own!  Buyers ARE fiscally responsible for “defective” babies.  50% down payment due at conception.

Lawn Mowing $100/lawn

Small lawns only, must be given lemonade, must have a rider mower… etc…

Blog Post             1 sexual favor/post

I’ll whatever about you.  Show it to all your friends, woah, he thinks I’m cool.  He loves my band.  Wow!

Cool Friend Rental        $300/night

I can act like I’m your cool friend.  I can say cool stuff and out “you’ve-probably-never-heard-of-them” even your toughest loser friends.  Will act as wingman, but taking one for the team is a whole another digit on the price tag.

Think it over.

Email me at employment@theshapeofjunktofitinyourmothers.com

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