100 post ANNAVERSARAY!!!!!

In honor of myself… I’m gonna post some highlights from my blog’s life.

“Occupation: Goat herder/ conceptual artist/ detective novelist/ the list goes on.

Build: Chunky but loveable

Turn ons: Swordplay, Leather, Steampunk, Milk in general, wrinkles (just a little bit of crows feet is cool with me, not like serious grandma wrinkles or anything).”

“Eggs, chips, cigarette, glass of tap water.  Looking forward to driving in traffic, working, watching Mad Men, and practicing the banjo.”

“2. Gay Republican Sex Scandal. I may write all kinds of legislation to take away your rights, but I gotta admit, I love your soft skin and bleach blond hair. Come here cabana boy and let me pound you with my gavel.”

“Abraham Lincoln and George Washington met at the great salt lake and decided to start a great country by killing indians and enslaving the Chinese. “We’re gonna need railroads,” Lincoln said. “I agree. We’re also gonna need guns, cotton, and modern medicine,” said Washington. They hired Ben Franklin to invent those things and electricity and started having duels on the reg. A bunch of Mormons moved to Utah so they had to bail and move the capital to Washington DC, which George Washington named after himself because he was an arrogant dude. They fought some wars, invented money, and now, however many years later, we have flags, trucks, hot dogs, and reality television.”

“6. Drinking. totally”

“When asked for comment Zac Efron said, “Fuck it man, I fuck bitches all the time. Black, White, Asian, ain’t no thing. Nick Jonas eat a fat one. I’m having the time of my life.”

“Glenn Beck announced today that he will be retiring from his post at Fox News in order to pursue a country music career. Glenn has already made the move to Nashville and has bought a banjo. When asked why he would leave such an established pundit position, Beck stated, “I really didn’t think my message was getting through enough. I thought of America, the America I love and trust, and the first thing that popped into my mind was Toby Keith. Toby Keith loves America and he does it through his music.” While beck has no musical training, he claims he will use his god-given talent and love for America to create. CMT has agreed to produce a televised special of duets with Beck and national country acts including Carrie Underwood, Toby Keith, and many more.”

“Every year, anywhere from 3,000 to 12,000 people choke on hot dogs during July 4th celebrations. Most of them had just misplaced their beers and could not make it sink to get water and experienced slow painful deaths. These people have families, lovers, and pets, it is a tragedy. So tell your friends and family, make sure their throat is properly lubricated every time they eat a hot dog. Thanks for your time.”

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