Dear Bearded Poet,

I saw you on the street yesterday holding a bucket asking for donations for your experimental poetry tour.  I listened to you spit some verse that I did not find particularly moving, but I did have the urge to donate a few dollars to you.  Perhaps I could pay for a poetry workshop, maybe that could help.  I will give you 10 dollars if and only if you follow these conditions.

1) You spend 1 of the ten dollars on a razor, or even a pair of scissors, so that you can shave/trim the birds nest that’s growing on your face.  Moms will donate to your cause instead of mistaking you for a mentally ill vietnam veteran.

2) You spend 2 of the ten dollars on a t-shirt that doesn’t have gaping holes showcasing your nipples, again, might help with donations from respectable people.

3) 2 of the ten dollars is for you to write a poem about me that rhymes.  It won’t kill you.  Your first commission!

That’s 5 whole dollars towards your cause Mr. Bearded Poet.  That’s a way better ratio than most fundraising shows or promotional campaigns give to charity, so I reccomend you accept my conditions and my money.  If you don’t mind, I will be putting this RFID chip just beneath the skin on your back, so that I can find you and track your progress with the whole shaving thing.

Thanks,

The management

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