Follow Friday

So, I like Twitter and stuff, so I was like, “Follow Friday.”  It’s a cool idea, but what if we take it to the next level, knaw mean?  I sent one of our interns to follow Zach Galifianakis for 24 hours.

5:30am:  He’s still sleeping, he makes this gentle wheezing noise when he exhales.  I really have to pee, I’ve been in his closet forever.  The water bottle I brought is nearly full, I am really hungry.

6:00 am:  He is still sleeping but he’s begun talking in his sleep he’s saying, “Stop it John Stewart…unicorns… stop it… No, you’re handsome!  I just want the vanilla.”

7:00 am:  He is up, and gargling in the bathroom, if I can poke my head out, yes I can see it now.  He used Crest toothpaste and Listerine mouthwash.  He spits it out and he’s reciting… I can’t make it out.  I think it’s the soliloquy from the end of Macbeth… “tomorrow, tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps at this petty…”  Yes it is in the fact the soliloquy from the end of Macbeth.  He’s coming, I gotta hide.

7:15 am:  He is now reciting Hamlet, but instead of to be or not to be, he’s saying “To jerk or not to jerk.”  I think he decided not to masturbate because now he’s trying to decide which boxers he is going to wear.  He chose the christmas boxers.  Little reindeers and candy canes.

8:30 am:  He went downstairs for breakfast so I snuck out of the closet, it appears he is eating, frosted flakes, but they look like they’ve been covered in chocolate syrup.  I don’t see any milk.  It looks like he’s drinking… Milwaukee’s Best, I repeat, Milwaukee’s Best.

9:00 am:  He has finished his breakfast and is now on the telephone with Sharon Stone.  It sounds like they acting out scenes from her movies, but he gets to be her.  Yeah, they just did Basic Instinct… fucking riveting.

11:00 am:  He just got off the phone.  He did almost every famous Sharon Stone scene, it was really good.  He’s now reading Pride and Prejudice, he laughs really loud every few seconds and then makes a grunting sound and sticks his head back in the book.

11:30 am:  He has fallen asleep and is talking in his sleep again.  “No mister tiger, I do not want the fire magic, I want the water magic, I was made for the sea.  I can prove it to you.”  I’m gonna try and sneak out for a while to get a sandwich and come back later… I’m really hungry.

11:35 am:  I barely made it out without waking him, but I’m going to Quiznos and then I’ll be right back.

12:30 pm:  I beat up a guy from Comcast and stole his clothes and his truck.  I knocked on the door to see if I could pose as a cable guy so I could observe closer.  He kept telling me he had satellite and he’s never heard of Comcast, I insist and he lets me in.  He offers me a Milwaukee’s Best and I oblige.  I start playing with wires and he starts asking me questions.  “So, you got a girlfriend?  What’s her name?  What color is her hair?  What does she smell like?  Where’d you meet her?  What does her skin feel like?”  I’m beginning to feel uncomfortable, but I must stay… I’m a journalist!

2:00 pm:  We have finished an entire case of Milwaukee’s best in a little less than two hours.  We prank called Zac Efron, Carlos Mencia, and John Stewart.  I showed Zach my script I wrote, “the Ape and the Prisoner.”  It’s a two man existential comedy about  an ape and a prisoner of war who are trapped in a cave.  He loves it, we went to all his neighbors and invited them over, we’re gonna do a cold-read and rework some stuff.

3:00 pm:  So we got through the first act and Zach is just brilliant.  There was this scene where the ape decides that he must be god but realizes he is not in the man’s image and says “If not God, what can I be?” and he grabs the prisoner and makes the prisoner prove he is God.  Zach was like, let’s use as many lines from Planet of the Apes as possible, so now the prisoner yells “Get your damn hands off me you dirty ape.”  It’s so good.  The neighbors really like it.  We’re gonna order some pizza, take a smoke break, and dive into the second act.

5:00 pm:  Man, three hours of workshopping really takes it out of you, we’re both starting to feel really hungover.  Zach lended me one of his snuggies and we’re gonna take a nap together.  We said bye to the neighbors and told them we’ll be doing the show in it’s entirety later tonight.

7:00 pm:  I woke up before Zach and watched him sleep for a while.  Such an angel.  He said some of my lines from the play in his sleep, I think that’s pretty cool, right?  I woke him up and told him we need to get ready for the show.  We called some hair and makeup people, the show starts at 8:30.

8:00 pm:  Thirty minutes till showtime, my stomach is turning, I’m so nervous.  Zach showed me this trick he does when he’s nervous.  He does this thing where he just runs up and down the halls and yells at the top of his voice, and then he sits quietly and meditates for a good 10 minutes.  It really helped.  The makeup people did a fantastic job, Zach is such a convincing ape, I’m so excited for the show.  I peeped out in the living room and it looks packed.  I swear I saw George Clooney in the audience.

10:30 pm:  To say the show was a success is a complete understatement.  The audience screamed and jumped up on its feet.  We got a 20 minute standing ovation.  Zach was magnificent, it was like watching Marlon Brando or something.  I can’t get over how awesome this day was, and to think 13 hours ago, I was just a journalist hiding in his closet watching him sleep.  I’m gonna miss him.  He told me he has big plans for the script and we’d be in touch.  I got his number and we hugged and said our goodbyes.  I’m gonna miss Zach.  Best day ever.

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