Confessions of an Alchoholic

Hello kids,

My name is Dave, I’m here to talk to you about drinking.  You wouldn’t think by looking at me, but I used to drink, a lot.  I’ll bet your moms and dads have drinks sometimes, sometimes a few too many and then they start arguing over whether you’re gonna grow out of peeing the bed and then your dad tells your mom she’s gained weight and all the other neighborhood moms look… anyways, I used to drink a lot.  Let me tell you a story.  So I was on a date.  I’m sitting there talking about my years at Dartmouth and my date isn’t really saying much.  I’m thinking to myself, how could she be so quiet?  I don’t want to be a bad date or anything so I keep talking and we have a few more glasses of wine.  Granted I had probably drank at least a half liter of vodka earlier that day, but anyways, I’m feeling good and I’m like let’s see if maybe I can get this girl home.  I ask this girl if she wants to go back to my place and play Scrabble or maybe watch The Tin Cup. She doesn’t say anything and I’m starting to get nervous so I say, “I’m sorry I don’t mean to be forward, let me walk you to your car, I’m sorry.”  But this girl doesn’t say anything, she just stares at me with these blank eyes and doesn’t move a muscle.  I start getting angry, I start yelling, I start stomping my fists on the table.  “Say something you stupid bitch!”  She still doesn’t stay anything and I fuckin’ lose it kids.  I throw my chair and walk over to her.  I just start calling her bad words.  Whore, Bitch, StankHoe, etc.  She still doesn’t say anything.  I can’t stand it, I put my hands on her throat and just start strangling her, but her head falls off.  I’m all like what the fuck?  And then I realize it wasn’t a girl at all, it was a sex doll.  A fucking sex doll kids!  I looked around and I realized I wasn’t at the Olive Garden, I was in a sex doll factory.  About that time two officers run and yell, “Take your fucking hands off the sex doll man.”  I take the sex doll head and throw it at one of the officers.  I tried to make a run for it, but I tripped on the sex doll’s legs and fell headfirst into the table.  That’s how I lost this eye.
I spent a few weeks in jail, got out, started workin at Walmart and then one day, I was trippin my ass off on Robotussin and I found my lord and savior Jesus Christ.  So yeah, stay in school yall, praise Jesus.  Later.

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