Focus on Playwrights: “Lindsay in Jail”

The curtains open revealing a prison cell containing two bunk beds, a toilet, a dresser, and a window.  Lindsay Lohan sits on the bottom bunk.  Her cellmate Patricia Wilson sits next to her.  Lindsay is packing her things.

Lindsay Lohan: 14 days, 14 days, you know, I never thought I’d be done Patricia.  It feels like a lifetime.  14 days.

Patricia: I can’t believe they’re lettin you out early, that’s just marvelous, I’m so happy for you

LL: Oh Patty, I wish I could take you with me, you know it’s just the overcrowding and…

Patricia puts her finger up to Lindsay’s mouth

P: Stop that talk Lindsay.  You weren’t meant for this hellish hole of cement.  I’m a killer.  I’m supposed to rot away till the end of my days in here.  You were meant for the screen.  You were meant to make movies, good ones.  Can I tell you something?

LL: What is it?

P: When I got in here, I was in a dark place.  Somedays I’d just slap myself in the face over and over, or write really bad poetry, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  But then one day at the library we got a copy of Mean Girls, and oh my god, it was like, you know when dudes say they found Jesus in jail?  I didn’t find Jesus, but I’ll be damned, you gave me hope.  You gave me something to live for.  Every Friday, Mean Girls in the library, then afterwards we would do our hair up and act out our favorite scenes, I always got to play you.

LL: Oh Patty, that’s the sweetest thing I…

They both start bawling and embrace

P: Will you write me when you get out Lindsay?

LL: Every day Patty.  Once I get out of here, I’m a changed woman.  I’m gonna get my shit straight.  Imma stop drinking FourLoco,  quit snortin dope, and get back to where I was meant to be, on the stage.  I’ll do some Oscar Wilde plays, maybe act in some art films, I’ve got it all figured out.  I’ll do it for you Pats.  As soon as I get out.

P: I feel like the luckiest inmate in the world right now Lindsay.  I mean I got to share a cell with LINDSAY LOHAN.  I can never thank you enough…

LL: Oh hush, I’m the one who should be thanking you.  You’re the best.

P: Here, I want you to have this.

Patty pulls out a wood carving of Lindsay and Patty’s faces.  There are flowers and rainbows in the background

LL: Oh my god, It’s beautiful.  Thank you so much

They embrace again.  A guard walks in front of the cell and pulls out the keys

Guard: Miss Lindsay Lohan, I am here to officialy release you from your cell.  I’m gonna unluck this here cell, then you’re gonna follow me down to where you get your things.  Allright miss Lohan?

LL: Okay.  Patty, Goodbye, and thank you.

P: I’ll never forget you Linday!

They embrace and the guard opens the cell and takes Lindsay offstage.

Patty sits alone on the bunk and puts her head between her legs.  She starts to cry.

P: (whimpering) Lindsay…..Lindsay…..Lindsay…..


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