Ask a Starbucks barista anything…

Hey guys, Chad here.  Woe asked me come on and do an advice column, and at first I was all like, “Like Dear Abbey?  Whatever…”  But then I was thinking, like I know a lot of cool stuff.  I did a year at community college, I read Pitchfork, I see a lot of movies, so maybe I do have something to offer the world.  Write me anytime, I’ll make sure to answer your questions.

Dear Starbucks barista,

I’m a single mother of two, recently divorced.  My mother died two years ago and my father has taken a turn for the worst.  He’s beginning to show early symptoms of Alzheimer’s and is having trouble with basic tasks at home.  My ex-husband has filed for bankruptcy and I cannot afford to put my father in a home on my own.  I work two jobs in order to support my family and cannot stay home and take care of my father.  I don’t know what to do, I’ve never been so desperate.  Do you have any ideas?

Distressed in Dallas

~

Hey Distressed in Dallas,

You know, I don’t really know.  The things I know are like, uh, I really like the new Arcade Fire album, it’s awesome.  Like, I didn’t think the Arcade Fire could get any better, but the new album is really good, like really good.  I don’t know if you’ve watched Where the Wild Things are but they did the soundtrack and it was directed by Spike Jonze.  I know!  It’s fuckin’ rad.  Anyways, I dunno about Alzheimer’s, maybe my dad has it, he just doesn’t get me.  He keeps telling me to go back to school and I’m like, why the fuck should I go to this place to sit under fluorescent lights with a bunch of sheep and be spoon fed powerpoints for four years?  I read at home, you know?  I’m reading Kafka right now, The Trial. I really like it.  Sometimes I listen to the Arcade Fire while I read Kafka.  But anyways, I dunno, does it sound like my dad might have Alzheimer’s?  He’s just kinda lame.  I gave him my band’s CD and I asked him what he thought and he was just like, “Well, it’s certainly loud.”  Fuck yeah it’s loud, it’s my voice, my voice that won’t be stamped out by a university course in American history.  I mean I read A People’s History of the United States, what are they gonna tell me?  Fascist shit, that’s what.  Anyways, yeah I’m sorry, I can’t really relate, my parents pay for my apartment and shit, but my grandparents are dead, I guess it’s shitty timing on your part, I mean, I dunno.  Anyway, check out the Arcade Fire, you’d prolly dig it.  I dunno how old your kids are, but they might, if they’re cool and stuff.  I gotta go, my cigarette break is just about over.

Laterz,

Starbucks Barista

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  1. This … made me laugh my damned ass off. High five.

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