Scott Pilgrim vs Med MD

Not since the Eyes Wide Shut/ Herpes outbreak of the nineties has a film really been so intertwined with the medical health profession.

The culprit: Internal Snarkyness Overload

Teens all over the nation are experiencing Internal Snarkyness Overload symptoms.  The official definition according to Web MD is “a mixture of erectile dysfunction, manic depression, and a general feeling of wishing Arrested Development would have lasted forever so that Michael Cera would have stayed there forever.”

One teen sent me an anonymous email.  So like, I was sitting around with my girlfriend and stuff and like we were like let’s go see scott pilgrim right?  And so we did and it was cool that it was like a video game and stuff.  But I came home and had this weird feelings.  I couldn’t get it up when we were foolin around, and the weirdest part was.  I kept having these nightmares that I had a super witty gay friend who always manages to text when he’s drunk and always has clever things to say.  I kept dreaming about girls who I can’t tell are attractive or not because they wear so many accessories.  I woke up the next day and just wanted to watch Juno.  I watched it four times, and the only way I can get hard anymore is to hear Ellen Page talk about bands that are cool to 18 year old girls who think they have hip taste in bands.  What do I do?

4 out of 5 doctors estimate that the original carrier of the disease was Ellen Page and she must have given it to Michael Cera on the set of Juno.  Michael Cera started to go insane, he demanded his writers to get wittier and wittier.  “It’s never enough!  More Snark!  You can’t handle more Snark?  Then get the fuck out.  I’m Michael Cera.”

Teachers are reporting that high school students that were once very chatty are completely silent.  Debra Mangrove, a high school English teacher says, “They just don’t think they’re clever anymore.  These kids don’t understand that Michael Cera has an entire scripting process to the things he says.  I always say he’s not that clever, come on speak up.  Even the Drama kids aren’t making witty puns.  The only people willing to offer quips are the drunk football players, and some of it is actually funny.  I don’t know what to do.”

In related news, Jason Schwartzman recently spontaneously combusted at an American Apparel in Hollywood.  All that was left at the scene was an orangish-yellow ooze.  Tests showed that the ooze was at least 89% Snark.  I’m just glad he’s dead.

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  1. Perhaps Ms. Mangrove should get all the quiet kids drunk? I mean, hell, it obviously works for the making football team clever.

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