Woe Jozny’s Autobiography pt. 1

Pardon me whilst I speak in the third person.

The story begins in 1853…

Marguerite Sampson was collecting berries in the woods a few miles from her home where she lived with her husband, coal miner Jebidiah Jozny.  She was bending over to pick a rather plump blackberry when she felt a warm breath upon her neck.  “Do not be alarmed.  My name is The Brute Wolf.  In the future they will call me the courage wolf, but I am The Brute Wolf.  Turn slowly and do not be alarmed by my shape, it is only temporary.”  Marguerite turned around and beheld a magnificent beast, The Brute Wolf hovered above her, lit in his magnificent glory by the setting sun.

“Me oh my,” she squeled, “you are a wolf!”

“I told you that I am The Brute Wolf.  Why would you expect otherwise Marguerite?”

“I suppose you are right.  I have never met a talking wolf, I have read of talking animals in books, but never have I beheld one in my own eyes.”

“I am no wolf.  I am The Brute Wolf.  I am a God.  With a capital G.  I have come here to mount you and give you my sperm so that you may give birth to my child.”

“I don’t know Mr. Brute Wolf… I know from the Bible that relations with a beast are strictly forbidden.  I have a husband at home who I truly love.  Sometimes he hits me and says it’s my fault, but it’s 1853, it will be a long time before I know better.  I should just carry his seed and shut up and get hit and get pregnant.”

“Silence!  Thou shalt bear my seed!  I am The Brute Wolf!”  The wolf stood upright on his back legs.  His legs became that of a man, his torso became that of a man, his arms became that of a man, his member became that of a man.  His head remained that of a wolf.  Marguerite stared at his magnificent chest and his monolithic member.  She looked up at his furry face.

“I don’t understand what I am feeling.  I must say no, you are part man part beast, you are forbidden.  You are, simply magnificent.”

The brute wolf stroked his tan chest, “Well yes- of course I know I am magnificent, I am The Brute Wolf.  I am a God with a capital G.  Come here sweet woman, let the wolf take you to the pleasure rainbow exit off the totally awesome sex highway on the way to orgasm town.”

“Well, to be honest Mr. Brute Wolf, I am rather enchanted and I’ve never had an orgasm, and these blackberries are rather fermented, so I’m feeling a little on the drunk side… might as well, I’ve got a skirt on…”

When a man emits his sperm, millions of tiny white tadpoles search for their magical cubby hole.  In that cubby hole, humans experience their first taste of probability, some of them call it fate, but fate is for people who lack personal responsibility.

When The Brute Wolf emits his sperm, there is only one sperm.  It is golden.  It is aerodynamic.  It is beautiful.  It finds the egg and says, “you are mine egg bitch, prepare to be fertilized.”  So it went inside of Marguerite’s lady parts.  The wolf whispered one last thing in her ear as he blew his cosmic load, “you shall name this child Woseph.”

Woseph Jozny was born on February 14th 1854.  His father Jebidiah was ecstatic.  Everyone was amazed by how hairy he was, Marguerite said nothing.  Every time she looked at her son, she thought of her wolfen lover, shaved upon this body, but furry upon his face.  She masturbated, and according to history books, that was probably the first time a woman ever pleasured herself.  It took a while.

Jebidiah would look down at his hairy son and say, “Oh lord!  What a Miracle!  To think that my seed was still full of sperm!  I thought all this coal dust would make my member ineffective.  I guess it isn’t true!  Oh Lord!  Thank you for blessing this family!  Oh lord!  Thank you for blessing Marguerite’s lady parts!”  A god had blessed her lady parts, but it was not his Lord, it was The Brute Wolf, the God with a capital G.

And so the life of Woseph Jozny began.  He was a fantastic cook bye age 1, he could speak English, Latin, and French by age 2, he was a fantastic lover by age 3, he was published by age 4, and by age 5, his parents decided it was time for him to start working in the family coal mine (it was 1854, nimble fingers were highly valued in the workplace).

And so Woseph set to work in the family coal mine.  The five year old would saunter in to the mine half drunk, shirt unbuttoned, and take his pickaxe and hammer.  He thought of the local women in town and imagined the pickaxe was his member and the coal was the genitalia of nubile princesses (in 1854 boys were ready to make babies at 5).  Woseph was awarded employee of the month for like, every month he ever worked.  He devised a ritual.  He would stab himself in the leg every anniversary of his first day of work in order to prove he was a man.  Little did he know- he was half man, half wolf, half god, and half man.

When he had six cuts in his leg (making him 11)  he decided it was time to become a man.  He murdered his father, Jebidiah, and slapped his mother in the face.  Now that he was a man he set out for Washington DC where he would propose a new nation, one that was not unequal for people with different colors, and do other cool stuff.

    • JOZNY
    • October 23rd, 2010


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