Excerpt from my novel

The dark wizard went down into the dungeon to pay Mr. Toad a visit.  With a plate of chicken in his hand he approached Mr. Toad.  “Mr Toad.  I come bearing strange news.  I know I designed you as a genetically engineered sex slave toad with consciousness, but my tastes have changed.  I am going to have to let you go, I need to use this space to contain my new snakes I am creating.”

Mr. Toad cried, “but where will I go?  Is the world ready for a toad that has consciousness and can talk?  I think not.”

“I have no choice,” said the dark wizard.  “I need you out by two o’oclock this afternoon.”

“Okay.”  Mr. Toad pulled himself up from the hay and packed his things.  One tweed suit, one medium sized knife, one plate of chicken, and one copy of Crime and Punishment by Dvostyesky.

Mr. Toad was about to open the door to leave forever when the wizard’s daughter, Clarissa opened the door bearing a plate of steamy noodles and rattlesnake tails.

“Where are you going Mr. Toad?”

“I’m afriad your father has no more use for my skills Clarissa, he is kicking me out to make this a snake pit.”  Mr. Toad opened the door to leave.

“Wait Mr. Toad.  At least eat these noodles.”  Mr. Toad looked in his napsack and pulled out the chicken the Wizard had given him.

“I guess I’ll eat these noodles, I don’t want to eat this chicken- it tastes like toad.”  They sat down on the hay and she fed him noodles and made airplane noises.  She poured him a glass of Mescal and he drank furiously.

“I’m going to miss you Mr. Toad.  You’re like a brother to me- a slimy green sticky magical speaking toad of a brother.”

“Oh thank you Clarissa, but I’ve got to be going.  You know how your father is when he doesn’t get what he wants.  I guess I’ll just hit the streets and try and find some work.  I’m sure I’ll find something.”  Mr Toad looked down into his mug and sighed.  Clarissa refilled his Mescal and moved closer to Mr. Toad.  She took his slimy hand and moved it on to her leg.

“I’m going to miss this.”  She moved it closer and closer between her thighs.  Toad chugged what was left of his Mescal and pushed Clarissa down on her back.  He grabbed her frock with his slimy toad teeth and ripped it off. He was a powerful toad for his size.  Clarissa screamed in ecstacy and took the toad’s tweed jacket off.

Meanwhile, down the hall, the dark wizard heard Clarissa’s moans of pleasure.  “By the serpant’s toungue, she is pleasuring Mr. Toad!  I’ll teach that stupid girl a lesson!”  He ran down the hall and burst into the room.  “Aha!  I was right, I cought you!”  Mr. Toad and Clarissa scrambled to their feet but it was too late.  The wizard removed his wand and shouted “Letimus Removioso!”  Mr. Toad screamed in pain and fell to the floor.  He looked down at his toad member and it had been removed.  He cried out in pain as he held the detached unit.

Clarissa whipped out her want.  “Imperius Removioso!”  The wizard’s wand dissapeared.  She broke the bottle of Mescal and ran at her father.  “I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time.  Get on your knees.”  Her father consented and she tied him up and left him in the hay.

She approached her agonized lover, “Mr. Toad, I am so sorry, I had no idea he knew that kind of black magic.  You must go soon, the wizard police will trace our magic scents back here any time now.”

Mr. Toad sat up.  “I suppose you are right Clarissa.  What a fitting end it is, a genetically engineered sex toad that loses his member in a wizard duel.  I must leave with haste.  Do you have a disguise I can wear so they don’t find me when I leave?”

“Yes, or course.”  Clarissa went down the hall and returned with the clothes of a tiny woman.

“Where did you find clothes that fit me?  This must have been one tiny woman if they fit me.”  Mr. Toad climbed into his new garb.

“It was my mother’s.  My father got so mad at her he cast a spell that she would shrink a foot every month.  We can’t be sure if she lived, but if she did she must be really small now.”

“Oki Dokie,” Mr. Toad gathered his things, “I must leave.  I will think of you often.  They embraced and passionately kissed.  Mr. Toad left.

With a heavy heart and no member to call his own, Mr. Toad wandered the streets of London.  He thought of Clarissa and the dark wizard who he known to be his master for the past two years.  Night had fallen and Mr. Toad had nowhere to go.  He wandered down a dark alley and saw two handsome young men wearing official looking uniforms.  One of them stopped him and said, “You sure are a funny lookin’ woman.  Quite…. how do I say… toadish.  What are you doing in these parts?”

Mr. Toad kept his cool, “I’m just looking for my son.  I was giving him a bath and he just lost it and ran off.  I need to find him.”

“Well then, you’d best be on your way m’am.  I recommend checking the railroad station and seeing if he tried to catch a railcar.”

“Thanks much sir.  Have a goodnight.”

Mr.  Toad walked off wondering if he’d ever see the handsome gent again.  He fantasized about stroking the portly gentleman’s mustache.

Mr. Toad wandered down the road and found an interesting sign with a young boy on it.  The sign made him excited and thirsty.  He walked into the bar and found a stool.  “I’ll have three Mescals please.  Oh and a piece of fish and a bowl of beans.”

The bartender looked at Mr. Toad and said, “Allright.  Comin’ right up m’am.  You sure are a strange lookin’ old lady… quite toadish if I might say so.”

Mr. Toad lit a cigarette and took a long draw.  “Just get my drinks asshole.”

The bartender put his hands up.  “Allright allright- no need to get frisky now m’am… here you are.  That’ll be 23 quid.”  Toad ate the piece of fish and the bowl of beans in one bite, slammed all three mescals and took a drag of his cigarette.  He flicked it at the bartender and said, “Fuck off mate.” Mr. Toad hobbled off into the night feeling warm and cosmic.

Ten minutes later, by chance, Mr. Toad found the railroad station.  Well isn’t this convenient, he thought to himself.  He stumbled up the counter.  “I’ll ave’ one ticket to the moon please.”

The clerk frowned.  “You must be one crazy toadish lady to think we can go to the moon.  Move along, I’ll have no trouble here.”

“I’m orry’ mista’ nice man.  Gimme a ticket to somewhere.  I just want to get to meet the conductor.  Is that allright?”

“I suppose it’s allright with me, if it’s all right with the conductor.  That’ll be twenty quid.”  Mr. Toad handed the clerk the money and took his ticket.  He wandered off toward the train and read the ticket.  One ticket to BristleBerry.  What the fuck is BristleBerry? he thought.  “Oh well, fuck it, let’s go.”  He climbed onto the train and passed out quickly.

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    • john fox
    • August 12th, 2010

    wind in the willows meets harry potter?

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