Pardon my absence but…

I was riding my bike by the bayou downtown last thursday in an effort to relax.  Everything was cool but then this construction worker started yelling at me “Senor…” I couldn’t make it out but it sounded like he was yelling, “The fish sticks are not frozen senor.”  I can never be sure what he was saying, but the important thing is that a snake got caught in my tire and I went tumbling into the bayou.  Struggling for my life, I managed to construct a raft out of my bicycle, seaweed, cardboard, copies of US Weekly, and a wig I found floating nearby.

In a daze I fell into a deep sleep/coma.  I dreamed of a man made of milk, he gave me a signed copy of Harry Potter and told me it contained everything I needed to know.  I began reading it and realized it was not Harry Potter, it was a cookbook.  I tried to punch the milk man, but my punches went right through him and my arms would retract, covered in milk.  I awoke from this vision floating in Galveston.  Curse you God!  I hate Galveston!

I wandered for hours.  I was hungry.  I wanted oysters.  I finally found an oyster bar called Calamity Clam where I had 6 dozen oysters and 14 spicy tomato beers.  I met a band of transvestite pirates and they invited me to their party.  I accepted their invitation and we went to their ship.  It was a magnicifent ship, the Zac Efron.  I told them I too liked Zac Efron and they offered me chocolates and magazines.  We fed eachother chocolate and read the magazines, laughing, smiling, faces covered in chocolate.

Round about midnight, I was like, “Well, I’ve gotta go, I’m far away from home and I’m supposed to drive to meet my girlfriend and I’m going to be very late.”  The captain’s chocolaty mouth smiled at me.  “I’m afraid that won’t be happening.  You are the one.”  They explained that there is a prophecy, in the old book, that a man shall come by raft from the in-lands and eat oysters with them.  He will like Zac Efron and like to read magazines and be fed chocolate.  I tried to make a dash for the edge of the boat, but a pirate in a simply magnificent red silk dress stopped me.  His eyes were deep and dark, like the sea.  He touched my shoulder and told me he loved me, but not in a weird way.  I was the one, I had to say.  I accepted my fate and we set sail for South America.

Day two at sea:  I can hardly remember the dirt I once stood on.  I am a merman, metaphorically of course, but I feel like my legs are becoming flippers.  The pork is salty, the men are well dressed, no sight of land.  I am losing my mind.  The fellows gave me a special dress because I am the one.  It’s a little tight on the hips, but I think it makes me look slim.  There’s this fantastic grey sequin sash that goes with it and I could not be happier.  It’s time to play cards.

Day three at sea:  Steve fell off the boat today.  Great tragedy.  He was adjusting his eyeshadow too close to the edge of the boat and we hit a big wave.  He fell right in.  A big shark immediately came and devoured him as he fumbled in the waves.  “AHHHH  THIS HURTS!  OH FUCK MY LEG!!!  JESUS I”M GOING TO DIE!!!  TELL MY KIDS I LOVE….”  That was it, he went under.  His green dress floated up to the water torn and tattered… it looked so pretty surrounded by a cloud of his dark red blood.  The guys gave me some new eye shadow, and I think it compliments my hair well.  Speaking of my hair, this salty sea air is totally killing my locks.  It’s like split end city out here.  I wonder what will happen tomorrow.  I stare into the infinite existence that is the blue time-space void of infinite possibility and I wonder, will I ever eat Wendy’s again?  Will I ever have another 5-hour energy?  What will become of me?

This is all that remains of my diary.  The rest is deep in the belly of a giant squid.  As you have already guessed, we were attacked by a squid on the fourth day of sea.  I estimate it was at least 600 meters wide and 500 meters tall.  It devoured everything but me.  I waded in the water and looked it in its crazy eyeballs.  He spoke, “You are the one Joe.  That is why you have been saved.  Fate has brought you to me.  My name is Rodney.  I am the biggest squid in the sea, and the holder of all cosmic knowledge.  You must deliver a message to the people of Earth for me.  They are going to make a Lost movie.  I know, it’s crazy, but they so are.  It’s gonna be like a prequel or maybe like a side-quel.  I’m not really sure, but you know Dan Abrams, madman.  Anyway, you must blog this to all your followers.  Climb upon my back and I shall take you back to Galveston.  Here’s some money for a bus ride back to Houston.  Let’s go.”

There you have it, pardon my absence.

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  1. very lyrical

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