The Girl with the Tribal Tramp Stamp

As you may or may not know, Hollywood is remaking “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” as “The Girl with the Tribal Tramp Stamp.” Here are a few of the changes they will make:

1. All the scenes with old people talking will be removed. This will cut a good 2 hrs out the movie, making it much more fun.
2. Lisbeth will not be a hacker, she will be a surfer chick who uses her surfer abilities to solve the mystery of the missing surfboard
3. Computers will be replaced with Google phones. The mystery will be solved through Wikipedia.
4. Lisbeth with have a tribal tramp stamp
5. Micheal Blvoomquist will not be ugly. He was ugly in the original, Daniel Craig is not ugly.
6. The rape scene will be alluded to. People don’t wanna hear cries or see graphic imagery. They don’t mind if it happens, they just don’t want to see it.
7. Arcade Fire will do the entire soundtrack. Corner that 18-25 middle class demographic. Cool moms will put on those True Religion jeans and buy the soundtrack for their kids, because they’re cool.
8. The Nazis will be ACORN employees. Fox News is co-producing
9. Nobody will smoke. We can’t have people smoking in movies, it’s irresponsible. Instead they will chew Orbit gum for minty fresh breath.
10. Ellen Page. Juno X Mystery = Success.
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