Diet Advice


Jimbone Jimbo here, I am friends with the guy who writes this stuff. I have tried all the diets, and I’m here to offer my insight into the newest fad. I have been consuming nothing but corn syrup for the past week.

My typical day is pretty ordinary- wake up, pour myself a glass of corn syrup, wash that down with a shot of corn syrup. I really like how it doesn’t fill me up. After that I get this rush of energy I can only compare to the time I took ecstasy with the bassist from Phish. After my morning corn syrup I play Call of Duty for a while and then crash out and take a 2 hr cat-nap. I wake up around 3pm and get a medium sized bowl of corn syrup. I wash that down with a 24oz Coors and smoke a couple cigarettes on the porch. I’m feeling pretty good at that point and decide to check the job postings on the Houston Chronicle site… as usual… no demand for a pottery school dropout. This depressed me so I have another bowl of corn syrup and another 24oz Coors and another 5-6 cigarettes. I then start my daily ritual of watching Point Break with the sound off, and I say the words along with their lips moving. I take another 2 hr cat-nap and wake up to goto the liquor store. I get a pint of Dewars and come home and eat another medium size bowl of Corn Syrup and wash it down with the Dewars.
At this point I usually fall into what I call a Cornhole. I’ve never been blessed with the opportunity to take ketamine, so I don’t know if my cornhole is similar to a K-Hole. Anyways, in this cornhole I dance and paint on the walls and sing Rush songs. I usually take a few NoDoz before I dose anyways. So I’m in this cornhole and it’s like the fucking walls are caving in on me. I climb into the bathtub and pull a blanket over my head and start screaming at the top of my lungs. About an hour later the police arrive and make sure everything is all right. I assure them I’m on no illegal substances and they leave. It’s about time for bed now so I have a warm glass of corn syrup and tuck myself in. I usually have dreams about corn syrup.
feels good man.
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  1. I've been on a diet where I consume nothing but vodka and weed. THAT feels good. But good going on your corn syrup diet, man.

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