Mythology: Origin of steel guitar

A long time ago, in a village with houses made of bushes and stuff, there was a young girl named Smellypuss. She was the daughter of the famous god Donttouchmydaughterssmellypuss, but nobody knew that. In the village there was a young boy named, Gottahavesumpuss. Gottahavesumpuss was a weightlifter and a musician and a badass. One day he saw Smellypuss bathing in the river and said, “dam, I gotta have that puss.”

The next day he went down to the river and approached Smellypuss. “Smellypuss, I think you are magnificent. I want nothing more than to make crazy love to you in this river. Whaddaya’ say?” She looked up to him and said, “Well, I don’t know. I’m kinda old fashioned. I mean I’m into some weird shit, but you’re going to have to woo me.”

“But how will I do that?”

“You decide which method is best.”

Now Gottahavesumpuss went home and thought long and hard. He decided he would go down to the river with his lute and play her the most beautiful song in the world.

The next day he went down to the river where Smellypuss was bathing and said, “You listen here Smellypuss, I shall play the most beautiful song in the world on my lute and then you shall be mine.” He strummed chord after chord on his lute and looked at her. “So how bout’ it baby?”

“I’m afraid that isn’t enough, I’ve heard many a boy play his lute to try and get down with me. You need to do better than that.”

Disheartened, Gottahavesumpuss went home and thought how to do one better. He practiced playing four lutes at the same time with all of his limbs. This was sure to woo her, an orchestra of lutes.

He went down to the river the next day and approached Smellypuss, “Baby, I’m gonna play 4 different lutes at the same time, all playing the most beautiful song in the world and then you’re gonna have to let me jump those bones.” He strummed the lutes with his toes and his fingers and rainbows of sound emerged. “So how bout it baby? Get yo ass over here and let’s get down to business.”

“I’m afraid it isn’t enough, I’ve seen that before. Steve in the next village over did that last summer- it’s old news.”

Gottahavesumpuss went home and cried. How ever will I get sum puss if she’s already seen that. He could think of no ideas but decided he would go down to the river and inspiration would strike him.

The next day he went down to the river and saw Smellypuss bathing, her wet boobs gleaming in the sunlight. He had a serious boner and thought of a crazy idea.

He emerged from the woods naked playing his lute with his boner in the strings, creating a sliding sound. He moved it up down, and all around, and she looked into his eyes. “Oh Gottahavesumpuss, that is the most magnificent thing I’ve ever heard. It’s like a million birds are chirping at once. Come here you devil you.”

They made sweet crazy love for hours upon hours. Meanwhile, in the bushes, the messenger Iliketotaddle, was watching the whole thing. Iliketotaddle ran straight to Donttouchmydaughterssmellypuss and told him about the whole thing. “You mean he touched my daughters smelly puss?!?! God Damn it! He must be punished.”

Donttouchmydaughterssmellypuss came down from the heavens and found Gottahavsumpuss sleeping. He woke him and said, “Bitch, no one gets my daughter’s puss and gets away with it.” He chopped off his member, dipped it in steel, and bailed. Gottahavesumpuss cried and cried and cried. How will I ever get puss with no member?

Gottahavesumpuss’s record label was like, “Yo dude we need a new album, so you need to write some new songs.” He picked up his steel dismembered member and played upon the lute. Everyone in the town was amazed by this “steel guitar” sound and called it country music.

Lute players throughout the land adopted this style and it was forever known that when you have the blues, you play with a slide modeled after Gottahavesumpuss’s steel detached penis. And so it is.

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