Hipster Dances at Show, Time Rift Opens

On Friday, at the Rusty Spoon, music and metamagical history were changed forever when Jake Johnson, aspiring novelist, part time half-price books employee, and self declared cynic, started dancing to music. According to several witnesses, Johnson was doing a great job standing still, crossing his arms, and looking like he was having no fun. The band, Julius Jones and the Jazztones, went into a undeniably funky rendition of “Cissy Strut.”
Witnesses say Johnson became possessed, started slowly moving his feet, and accelerated into a full blown funk trance. Johnson later said, “It was like I was overcome by groove power and could no longer control my image I wanted to project of being the dude who was way too cool for this.”
After only two seconds of dancing, a rift in the space time continuum opened up in the middle of the stage. The mythical three-headed dog Cerberus emerged and immediately devoured the band and the sound guy. Luckily, the Norse warrior god Magni (son of Thor) emerged from the back of the venue with a mighty enchanted sword and battled Cerberus back into the time-space rift, which eventually closed. Scientists are baffled as to how Johnson’s dancing could create magical phenomenon. Stephen Hawking said, “Magic exits? What the fuck have I been doing? I’m outta’ here.”
Johnson remains apologetic. He issued this statement at a press release on Saturday, “To the family and friends of the band and sound guy, I am so sorry. I had no idea my actions had such grave consequences. I promise to never dance again and will never attend a funk concert again- freak folk only from now on. I am so sorry. I would like to thank Magni, the warrior god, for saving our lives, and possibly the Earth. I have no idea which astral plane you have been transported to, but thank you. That is all”

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