Special New Column: Mother’s Milk #1


In a special new column, I would like to introduce our newest contributer, Monica Milk. Monica Milk is a mother of 12, a bingo hall receptionist, and an amatuer poet. Her column “Mother’s Milk: Progressive steps to raising your child” will begin in 3…2…1…

Hey Yall’, Monica Milk here, first blogger long time mother. I’m hopin I can drop some matriarchal knowledge bombs on yall’ so you can raise your kids right. Here goes.
Milk Tip #1: Raise your kid vegan.
The Vegan movement is really picking up steam and I think it’s important to incorporate it into child-rearing methods. For a long time, it has been assumed that the mother’s milk is the most beneficial source of nutrients for a newborn. I work with this girl, Garden Sky Nymph, her real name is like Charity or something, but she’s a vegan and told me milk is bad for you. She said that a true naturalist eats only what comes from the earth. She said it works for her, and that if it works for her, it probably works for babies. I decided to give her methods a test run on my newest of the litter, Ahmad Jamal III. Ahmad is a lovely black child who is, in fact, descended from the great jazz pianist Ahmad Jamal.
At first Ahmad Jamall III was not enjoying our routine. I bought a wonderful breast shaped plastic mold that I fill with soymilk and he slowly adapted to the system. The doctors made a big fuckin’ deal about my decision and said that my decisions weren’t medically sound or some shit… fuck them… but anyways, Ahmad has slowly accepted his fate and is adapting to the system. I stopped bringing him to the doctors and have been subletting a friends apartment because apparently the doctors threatened to call social services and had my address. He has been turning strange colors, but I think that’s just part of the natural vegan transition process, Garden Sky Nymph assured me of that.
Progress Point: 6 weeks
It has been 6 weeks and I’m worried about Ahmad. I’ve been reading other motherly blogs and these mothers seem to have noticed slightly more cognitive advances than I notice with Ahmad. I asked Garden Sky Nymph and she said I should start giving Ahmad wheatgrass shots 3 times daily. She said her friend Conscience does it and has felt a cosmic energy she had never felt before. Every morning when I wake Ahmad, I gently pour a shot down his throat and he kinda chokes, but I think his body isn’t quite adjusted yet, Vegan living is a new thing I understand.
I kinda forgot what I was saying but yall’ get the point. I got 12 kids, so I figure I got at least 12 columns in me, but anyways, stay tuned. Feel free to email me any questions about how to your children at monikamilktattoobabysixtynine@seemytits.com
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